Dancing with the Stars: Mambo Kings and Queens

Black was white, up was down (speaking of down, that’s where Chelsie went during her jitterbug with Louie), and Carrie Ann and Bruno played bad(der) cop while Len was generous and good-natured.

It was a topsy-turvy episode of “Dancing with the Stats.” Let’s jump right in and talk about the jitterbugs, waltzes and the show’s first competition mambo, in order of appearance.

Mya & Dmitry: Ok, so this was one of the few times Len acted like his usual crankypants self. Then again, Mya and Dmitry should’ve known the head judge wouldn’t appreciate the couple’s “messin’ about” with their “props” at the beginning of their jitterbug. (Everyone at home knew, right?) Mya danced very well, but, once again, her dance felt oddly disconnected. It felt like she was dancing really fast and pretty well, but it never really looked like fun. Mya needs to go back and watch her excellent rumba and re-learn how to connect with her partner and the audience.

Melissa Joan Hart & Mark: If nothing else, we know that Melissa Joan Hart is proficient at keeping her puppies up. Unfortunately, she’s falling short in the dancing department. Her waltz slightly plodding and not nearly glide-y enough (even after a tutorial from Mark’s mom Shirley). I told you her Charleston ‘10’ was a fluke.

Mark Dacascos & Lacey: Lacey made the controversial decision of actually giving her celeb partner most of the tricks and showcasing him. To his credit, Mark handled pretty much all of them (that lean move with Lacey sliding down his side was sweet) and delivered the second best jitterbug of the night. Maybe he was inspired by his trip to a “Jitterbug Club” (Would I be kicked out if I tried to bust out some Lindy hop?) He was so good that I almost forgot about his unfortunate “Dancing with you makes me so horny” comment to Lacey from last week. Yikes.

Aaron Carter & Karina: Reeling from two straight trips to the bottom 2, Aaron Carter pulled out all the stops: he acted like a gentleman (nice suit!) and a professional in rehearsal and delivered his best dance of the season. (This can’t be a coincidence.) His waltz was good enough to earn him a return trip next week. Hopefully, people will get over how much they’re annoyed by the idea of Aaron Carter (and Karina) and bring him back. (I can’t really blame the guy for being so desperate.)

Michael Irvin & Anna D: It’s official: the judges want Michael Irvin off this show. Yes, Len (and I, in my living room) praised his waltz, but how in the world can he get a lower score than Louie when the latter dancer DROPPED HIS PARTNER. Twice! I mean, Anna D’s choreography wasn’t as boring as usual and how can you not love the big (slightly inappropriate) smile plastered on his face? I’m not sure The Michael Irvin Show has enough listeners to keep him in.

Kelly Osbourne & Louis: Remember how Pink performed “Sober” at the VMAs while bravely (and inexplicably) swinging on a trapeze? Well, Kelly’s rehearsal footage was the opposite of that. Other than that, there’s not much more to say. For her jitterbug, Kelly had flashes of brilliance (though fewer than usual this week) that were completely undermined by the insecurity written all over her face. Same s---, different day.

Louie Vito & Chelsie: These two definitely delivered the evening’s most manic jitterbug, which was fine because, as Len told us, “More is more” in the jitterbug. What wasn’t fine was the aforementioned sloppiness in this routine. I still like Louie and I realize he’s not a pro, but dropping your partner (TWICE) because of carelessness (as opposed to an accidental drop) is inexcusable. This wins the Hot Mess of the Evening award. (It’s a trophy shaped like Macy Gray.)

Joanna Krupa & Derek: For the second straight week, Joanna drew a dance in which her model-y, noodle-y stiffness is actually an asset. That being said, I was very impressed and she delivered the best waltz of the night. I’d call her a contender to win everything, but I still want to see her deliver the goods (in technique, not boob-wise) in a Latin dance.

Donny Osmond & Kym: This was my favorite jitterbug of the night. In a stunning upset, Kym telling Donny “you’re gonna go whoo-whoo, and look at my butt” was only my second favorite comment of the evening. (See next entry.) Their jitterbug had loads of content, which Donny performed terrifically. (After this, and the competition mambo, I was actually a little scared for his health.) I would’ve given it a 10, since I didn’t really see the mistakes the judges were talking about. Oh well.

Competition Mambo: I REALLY enjoyed the competition mambo, in which all the couples perform simultaneously and an official eliminates dancers by tapping them on the shoulder until there’s only one duo standing. It reminds me of those ballroom competitions on PBS that I don’t tell people I watch. The only thing I didn’t like was that the show waited so long to do it.

Well, that and the fact that it seemed like the judges merely eliminated people in order of personal preference, as opposed to what was actually happening on the dance floor. If that’s the case, we’re in for a Mya/Dmitry vs. Joanna/Derek showdown in the finals, after the latter pair won the competition mambo. Of course, the real winner was Tom Bergeron. After Derek did a move that brought Joanna’s head near his crotch and bobbed it up and down Tom said, “Not sure what that move was, Derek.” This was not only the best comment of the evening (sorry, Kym), but probably my favorite comment of all time on this show. (And just for good measure, Derek did the move again toward the ened.)

So what’d you think of this episode? What exactly is the difference between the jive and jitterbug on this show? Did Joanna (and her dress train) deserve the win over Mya? Finally, which two celebs do you think are going home? (I think Louie will be voted out, and I believe Melissa will be asked to leave after a dance-off with Aaron.)