That's What She Said: Erica's "Across the Universe" Review

When I first undertook this assignment, basically to write a review of the recent movie Across the Universe, I did NOT know where to begin. (John gave me this assignment of course, for two main reasons: 1. While he enjoyed the musical numbers he saw, he didn't really think Across the Universe worked as a "movie": per se. 2. Since Across the Universe really didn't come across as a "movie," he felt he could in no fair way review it.


Musical Numbers....Movie.


Let me first say that in the entertainment world (which I'm not really saying I'm qualified to evaluate but just humor me), "musical numbers" plus "movie" equals "musical." So we got the genre pinned down a little bit.


Now, what kind of musical is it? Well, it's not quite as trippy or politically charged as Pink Floyd's The Wall, although I'm sure that won't stop some people from making a night out of watching this movie when it comes out on DVD with a little help from 'their friends,' i.e., drugs.


Okay, so it's no Moulin Rouge either. The star-crossed lovers' story in Across the Universe isn't as compelling because the main couple, Jude and Lucy, seems to have a very ordinary relationship which eventually becomes affected by ideology, politics and personal choice, rather than fate or a larger force (although some might argue that ideology is a larger force).


Other classic musicals have charmed moviegoers with stories that have political undertones as well. The Von Trapp family in The Sound of Music sang brightly together amidst the dark climate of pre-WWII Nazi occupation. West Side Story reincarnated Romeo and Juliet into Maria and Tony, pirouetting their way to each other against the backdrop of racial wars and immigration issues (STILL relevant in today's world.) Hairspray protested "separate but equal" television. Even something as silly as The Producers poked fun at playing the system and profiting (a la American capitalism) from the awesomely bad production "Springtime with Hitler in Germany (Nazis AGAIN)."


To answer my initial question, I'd say that Across the Universe is a musical that tells the story of star-crossed lovers, just like any other musical. However, the story is highly dependent on the soundtrack, pulled together from the Beatles' body of work. The themes of the story stem directly from the themes of that music: love, youth, and revolution. Unlike the other musicals I mentioned, the central story is much weaker and less captivating than most. The reason for that is simple.


Most of the musicals out there focus on a story and design the music around the story. Across the Universe pulls inspiration from the music and weaves a tale by threading all the songs together into a story. The closest example to this is Movin' Out: same idea but with Billy Joel songs. No offense to Billy Joel, and I must admit that I haven't seen Movin' Out (and I wish I could compare them), but the material in Beatles music seems more artistic and thought-provoking. The story just doesn't stand alone as well as it could. Instead, it is highly driven by and dependent on the music.


That's just how it is. So, you had better like the music. :)


So what IS the story? "Is there anybody going to listen to my story all about a girl?" sings a boy, who sits on a sandy beach of coast of the UK, looking like Jeffrey from Project Runway with, yes, a WORSE haircut and sounding like Ewan McGregor's clone (not that I'm complaining). The serenity is suddenly broken up as everything becomes "Helter Skelter" and images of sheer mania on the streets of New York pelter the screen. Despite his devotion to his Girl, he promises to send 'all his loving' in letters to his sweetheart, while he sets out on a journey to America discover his estranged father. He travels across the universe, I mean, across the Atlantic Ocean.


While the youth takes this journey of self-discovery, he systematically crosses paths with a motley crew of friends that eventually become his roommates. While looking for his father, whom he imagines is an established professor working at university, Ewan McGregor runs into the blond, rebellious rich kid, Max, that looks like Paul Bettany in A Beautiful Mind (AND Wimbledon for those of you keeping track of his career). They become quick best friends and decide to move to New York together, leaving behind the safe and stable path set by Max's parents.


The two trailblazers luck out on a...trashed up yet colorful apartment with the sultry singer, Sadie and her right hand man, JoJo (a.k.a. Jimi Hendrix wannabe). And from here, it won't be long before our boy sees the face of Max's sister Lucy, who quickly integrates herself into Bohemia and into the free loving arms of our boy Ewan McGregor. Oh yeah, McGregor's name is really Jude. And his thoughts of his "Girl" are as quickly tossed aside as Romeo forgets Rosalyn when he sees Juliet. Lastly, the quirkiest and arguably least important character, Prudence, a physically and emotional bruised lesbian street urchin, crawls in through the bathroom window to join the party, leaving behind her frustrating life as a cheerleader longing to hold hands with the team captain. The friends get by and get high, while the Vietnam War wages on in the background, eventually ripping them apart.


That story isn't the greatest in the world. But to think that they came up with that from a collection of Beatles songs is actually somewhat impressive.


Speaking of the music, the covers are all very well done and I will dare to say that this soundtrack will probably be more successful than any other soundtrack this year. (I have no idea if that will actually be true, but we'll see what happens). Anyway, all the music sounds good but the musical numbers that stand out and look amazing include Bono's whimsical acting debut and performance of "I Am the Walrus," Eddie Izzard's bizarrely trance-inducing rendition of "Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite." "Hey Jude" also shines as not only a great cover but a fully integrated piece of the puzzle that naturally fits into the scheme of the musical. It is truly a high point.


"I Wanna Hold Your Hand," covered by TV Carpio, tenderly emotes the sentiments of unrequited love and frustration in a lovely melody. The same song, however, when rendered by Prudence on screen, with her back-up football player dancers, looks absolutely ridiculous. The only redeeming factor in this scene is that there is actually dancing. Dancing, which simultaneously appears in pretty much every musical and which, as we all know, make a revolution worth having (see V for Vendetta), only seems to make its appearance in a choreographed form in this song. And it looks really silly.


Other great songs include Sadie and JoJo's "Oh Darling," as well as a soulful, gospel cover of "Let it Be."


On the other hand, I was slightly disappointed that "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" was denigrated to the position of "Closing Credits Song 1" seeing that it was well covered by Bono, it's a great song that is alluded to in "I am the Walrus," and duh, inspired the name of Jude's true love, Lucy. I was waiting for this song to show up the entire movie. To make up for that loss, however, Lucy beautifully sings the mournful tune "Blackbird." It's pretty gorgeous.


As are all the songs. They truly sound very beautiful and pretty, which appeals well to the general public. If you're a true Beatles fan, however, you might think that the songs sound a little watered-down. I'm sorry, but that's going to happen in a movie. Look at Rent. Does that soundtrack sound just like the Broadway version? Um. Not exactly.


And while the songs appeal directly to the viewers, the cyclical story is somewhat more abstract and harder to grasp. The story has some great moments but does drag on near the end, which leaves you thinking, "Wow, what just happened?"


So we can safely say, as you walk out of the movie theater scratching your head, that Across the Universe was indeed a musical and that it had not only fun musical numbers but a love story set against the backdrop of something going on that was more serious or important. It leaves you thinking whether or not the backlash against (and the forces supporting) the Vietnam War (the first televised war) is a parallel to today's politics. What about the other issues? Race? Poverty? The Draft? Women's Rights? Has all of that stuff gone away or been resolved? Not really. What about discovering your true love? What about discovering yourself and what you believe in while you are young? Bohemia versus Traditionalism? All these issues show up in lots of musicals and as they say, life imitates art.


And that's how musicals are. They deal with controversy and mix it up with some sweet tunes. And by sweet, I mean totally rad, dude. *Peace sign* This one is just a little more abstract than most. Oh and as far as the whole 'musical equation' goes, it definitely relies on the "musical numbers" part much more so than the "movie" part. Check it out if you enjoy music or politics...or the Beatles.


Across the Universe: B (overall grade)


Musical Numbers: B+


Story: B-

NFL Week 9 Picks

All right, it’s time to throw out the records (except for mine, 9-4 week, 66-40 overall) because the biggest regular season game in the history of all regular season’s is upon us — 2-5 San Francisco colliding against 1-6 Atlanta in the dirty south. Also, I’ll write a few words about Patriots vs. Colts.

DENVER @ DETROIT
It’s kinda fun to see the Lions as a winning team. All of a sudden QB Jon Kitna doesn’t look like a nutcase for predicting 10 wins, though he still sounds like a nutcase for claiming a miracle took a concussion away earlier this year. Also, Denver is the most competent sucky (or sucky competent) team I’ve seen in years and whenever I pick them, they lose.

SAN FRANCISCO @ ATLANTA
I already wasted more words in the intro on this matchup than it probably deserves.

CINCINNATI @ BUFFALO
My boy J.P. Losman is back at the helm for Buffalo, which is why I’m going with the Bengals to win, even though their defense is a new breed of horrible.

CAROLINA @ TENNESSEE
This’ll probably be the “Zzzzzz” game of the week. I predict a lot of laundry folded and dusting while this game is on. That is if I were watching the damn thing. Oh yeah, I like Tennessee to field goal kick their way to another win.

GREEN BAY @ KANSAS CITY
Holy crap, the Packers are 6-1. Still, the Chiefs atop their division deserves an even bigger HOLY CRAP! Even though Green Bay looked good against Denver, I’m taking the frisky Chiefs at Arrowhead.

SAN DIEGO @ MINNESOTA
San Diego is playing some good and inspired football lately. I don’t believe it’s a coincidence that this is happening after they finally decided to shut their mouths and just play football.

JACKSONVILLE @ NEW ORLEANS
Oooh, it’s Halloween and the Saints are back from the dead at 3-4. I think do what the Bucs (barely) couldn’t last week. Beat a team that has Quinn Gray as their starter.

WASHINGTON @ NY JETS
Right now St. Louis and Miami are slugging it out for the right to call themselves the worst team in the league, but I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if the Jets ran into the ring with a steel chair, took the Rams and Dolphins out and stole the title.

ARIZONA @ TAMPA BAY
The season is unraveling fast. This is a home game the Bucs HAVE to have.

SEATTLE @ CLEVELAND
Since I’m back to disrespecting Seattle, I’m taking the Derek Anderson and the (4-3?!) Browns (who just light people up in the Dawg Pound this year) at home.

NEW ENGLAND @ INDIANAPOLIS
You’re going to hear so much about this game that I’m not going to say anything that hasn’t been said. All I’ll ask is that, if I told you the final score was 48-21, would you be more surprised if the Patriots won or the Colts. Personally, I would be shocked if the Colts were the winner and only slightly surprised if the Pats won by that score. That’s why the Pats are the pick.

HOUSTON @ OAKLAND
Hmmm, these are two teams whose bandwagon I’ve adopted after they looked good early in the season, but stumbled lately. Anybody got a coin? Ok, it was heads — what the hell does THAT mean? I’ll just go with the home team.

DALLAS @ PHILADELPHIA
Philadelphia is probably playing for their season at home against their arch nemesis. I’d love to pick the Cowboys to lose (I just like to that in general), but I like them coming off a bye week. It wouldn’t hurt my feelings one bit to be wrong on this one.

BALTIMORE @ PITTSBURGH
Baltimore is kinda like Denver in their deceptive suckiness. Actually, that’s not true. Baltimore (especially that offense) is much more openly sucky. In a related story, Pittsburgh is pretty good.

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: Welcome to Hollywood

I gotta say, I was a little surprised by how much I enjoyed last night's Season 5 premiere of Nip/Tuck.

When the writers had Drs. Sean McNamara and Christian Troy move out to Hollywood at end of last year, I wasn't thrilled. I kinda liked that the show was set in Miami and not in L.A. (like most shows on TV). Also, I thought it was kinda desperate for them to flip the script in such a big way.

Then again, flipping the script in a big way is EXACTLY what the show needed since Sean and Christian had pretty much gotten into every conceivable crazy situation in Miami and all the main characters had slept with each other. Also, it's a bold move to completely change the setting of a popular show that's a proven hit, and I applaud them for that.

In the premiere episode, "Carly Summers", the boys are in their new Hollywood office shooting hoops (wha?!), Liz has joined them (yay!) and they're struggling. They can't get any clients because no one knows who they are and plastic surgeons are a dime a dozen out west (who knew?)

After unsuccessfully (and semi-pathetically) trying to cruise for business in a club (I enjoy watching Sean trying to be smooth), the fellas meet up with a publicist named Fiona (Lauren Hutton) who offers to help them get work for $5,000/month.

I'm loving the concept of this season, as Fiona hooks the boys up with a consulting gig on a hilariously bad medical "drama" called "Hearts N Scalpels". It really wasn't that much worse than "Grey's Anatomy" to be honest.

There began the great, entertaining parade of (mostly) over-the-top guest stars. There's Oliver Platt as the effeminate "Hearts N Scalpels" showrunner, who would be more annoying if he weren't played by the brilliant Oliver Platt. There's Bradley Cooper, playing a mildly psychotic actor with the same gusto he used to play the psychotic boyfriend in "Wedding Crashers" as the show's star, Aidan Stone, who is almost certain to tangle with Christian in the near future. Craig Bierko, who was in "Boston Legal" for a few minutes last year, popped up as masochistic studio exec Bob Easton and delivered the most cringe-worthy scenes.

The ladies were pretty well represented. In addition to Hutton, we had Tia Carrerre as Easton's dominatrix, Mistress Dark Pain, who seems to have developed a crush on Sean, Jennifer Coolidge (who's fantastic in EVERYTHING) as an actress playing the part of "Pussy Lips" or "Lady Cha Cha Lips."

Finally, there's Daphne Zuniga (Melrose Place) as Carly Summers an actress who's about to be over-the-hill that Christian talks into having plastic surgery. When he pulled out the lipstick and started doing his routine of outlining her flaws, and he wrote on her painting instead of her, I was like "hey, don't do that!" until I realized that it would've been even more degrading if he'd written on her. Nice symmetry, by the way, in having him do that to Kimber in the pilot, and in their first episode in L.A.

It was also great (if a little predictable) to see Sean become the breakout "star" for his brief role on the show after Christian had hairplugs put in (and Julian McMahon delivered Christian's big speech in terrifically bad, stilted way).

Although Christian has his tender moments (it was nice to see the boys brought his son Wilbur on the trip, because they could've easily dropped him, and I don't think anyone would've noticed or cared) we were reminded how much of an evil bastard he can be, as he was openly jealous of Sean and had leaked the news of Carly's secret plastic surgery to US Weekly by the end of the episode.

So what do you think of McNamara/Troy in Hollywood? How do you think they're going to get Matt, Kimber and Julia out west (you just know they are)? Who was your favorite guest star last night? Finally, when did these guys have time to learn how to play basketball?

Dancing with the Stars: Lucky 7

So last night, after the entertaing, aerial-filled group rock & roll routine involving all the couples, Len Goodman exclaimed, "this is the most exciting season yet."

Well, I don't know about that, but I'd say that, top-to-bottom, this is the most well-rounded group contestants. There are seven contestants remaining, and they each performed a different dance last night (I liked that). I'm going to break each of them down, from least likely to most likely to win, because I think they all have a chance to win, except of course for my pick to go home Tuesday night...

7. Jane Seymour: It's not her fault that she's in her late fifties and can't really pull off a fast-paced jive. I knew one week, she was going to be required to be something other than elegant, and it happened last night. Although the judges told her her jive was too boring and slow in the nicest possible way, I think she'll end up going home. Maybe it would've helped if her partner Tony Dovolani didn't bring up the whole "was it a lift" scandal every chance he got."

6. Marie Osmond: She was my "most improved" for a few weeks in a row, but then fell off (figuratively and literally), and delivered a tentative paso doble that rivaled Jane's jive in slowness. It seems like she's hit a wall in her progress, but I think she has at least one more good week in her, which we'll get to see next week because I think she'll be able to squeeze a few more votes out of the fainting to get her there.

5. Jennie Garth: She's my new most improved, and her biggest problem is her crippling fear of performing. Which is a shame because her and Derek's mambo was the most entertaining routine last night (nice job on the choreography Derek). She's this year's Ian Ziering, the 90210 alum who can't get out of their own way to win, which is a shame because she's gotten really good.

4. Cameron Mathison: This is also a shame, because I think he's been better than Helio the last few weeks. That's even taking into account their weird Pocahontas-themed samba (?!) that looked more like a tribal dance than a ballroom dance. Bruno, Len and I thought it was a misfire, Carrie Ann was the only one that got it. Still, although Cameron is the hot soap star, it still seems like Helio is considered more the ladies' man, grabbing that coveted voting demographic. There's also the fact that I generally know who people are, and I had no idea who this guy was a month ago.

3. Sabrina Bryan: This is the biggest shame of all, because she is CLEARLY the best dancer in the competition. Her not making it to the finals was solidified in my mind by her fox trot last night, which wasn't mind-blowing, but certainly didn't deserve the weak 25 the judges gave her. She's obviously held to a different standard than the others, and that's fine, because she has more natural ability. Unfortunately, that's gonna stop her from winning, the same way it stopped Mario Lopez and Joey Fatone from winning. We like people on this show who are good, but not TOO good.

2. Helio Castroneves: There's no way his cha cha cha was the second-best dance of the night. His footwork is ok, but 72% of his performance is just smiling really big. Last night he was pretty good, but at times (last night included) he seems a bit awkward, which is to be expected since, as he pointed out, he's the only non-entertainer left in the competition. This was followed by an awkward silence from Samantha Harris. Good times.

1. Mel B (pictured, right): Yes, I wanna crown her ass, so I'm going to. Mel and Maks have been my favorite couple overall all along, but now their dancing has become good enough that I believe they will win this competition. Her rumba was tres lovely (though I wouldn't go so far as to say it was perfect) and, more importantly, they consistently deliver the most entertaining rehearsal footage and backstage interviews. Don't underestimate the Maksim factor either. People are also voting for the pro dancers, and though Maks' massive ego was a major turnoff for some at first, we've all grown used to it and now we love it.

So who do you think is going home tonight? Are the judges being too hard on Sabrina or just hard enough? Finally, since I never watch the results show, can you please explain to me why Barry Manilow keeps popping up everywhere?

Heroes: Work is Torture

You know the "Hiro-in-feudal-Japan" storyline is dragging when princess Yaeko asked him "why are you still here?" I think that's what everyone who counted Hiro as his or her favorite character (like me) last year wants to know.

At least last night's episode, "The Line", brought some forward progress and some dark turns. Of course, that was counteracted by more silliness and repetitiveness, but, hey, nobody's perfect.

Since I was talking about Hiro, I'll stay there. I enjoyed the moment where he basically said "what the heck" and unfroze time to kiss Yaeko. I also like that Kensei discovered Hiro's "betrayal" and has now gone to the dark side. When Hiro and Yaeko teleported out of the (lame) battle, I thought for a second Hiro had accidentally taken them back to the present. I guess that was just wishful thinking and would've been interesting — so, of course, that wasn't the case.

Seeing that I routinely space out during the feudal Japan scenes, I hadn't realized that Hiro had become Kensei's trusted friend, and had reawakened something within the British drunk. Of course, it's too bad for Hiro that now that Kensei actually cares about something, he's probably not going to use it in the most productive way. So now, Hiro has to fix the past (again), though it's still not quite clear why he was still around to screw it up to begin with.

Also, the Ando scenes in the present as he deciphers the scrolls have got to stop. The forced attempts at humor and James Kyson Lee's (over)acting are painful to watch.

Anyway, what I really want to talk about is Mr. Bennett, who was in Ukraine with the Haitian to ask an old colleague about the series of paintings that seemingly end with his death.

Jack Coleman (pictured, left) killed it in this episode. If it wasn't already clear that he's the best actor on this show (as I've said many times), this should've confirmed it. I've gotta give credit to the writers too for coming up with that not-outwardly violent, but effective method of torture which involved wiping cherished memories away. Coleman was especially good fielding a phone call from Claire in the middle of his interrogation and casually lying to her (to be fair, she was lying to him too) and at the end when, having the information he needed, he decided to kill his old mentor just to be sure. This is a guy who'll do ANYTHING for what he thinks is right, no matter what the cost.

Meanwhile, Mohinder is a guy who'll do anything that seems like a good idea at the time. First he grudgingly accepts injecting Monica with a virus that could take away her ability (or kill her), then he decides not to and take Molly away from the company, until he changes his mind again and decides to stay. I mean, she's still as sick as she was before, so why not take her? In the end, Bob spared Monica a little too easily and even gave her an iPod to learn new skills. I still have a bad feeling something is going to happen to one of the few new additions I like.

I don't quite hate the wonder twins as much as I did in the beginning now that they're with Sylar. I just don't understand what the point of this storyline is, and more specifically, the point of Sylar. Apparently, he's lost his power and he's accompanying the twins under the guise of leading them to Dr. Chandra Suresh (who Sylar killed). So, what exactly is his plan to get his powers back?

Also, how come Maya , who got in touch with her dark side with help from Sylar, can speak decent English, but her twin brother, who you figure is very close to her given the nature of their powers, can't? Methinks Alejandro DOES speak English and he's just keeping his cards close to his vest for now.

The episode ended with Peter and his Irish girlfriend who I don't care enough about to find out her name in Montreal, where Peter received a vision of a decimated New York City (is there any other kind on this show) a year from now. From the previews, it looks like it was due to a virus (probably the same one Bob is carrying around), but mostly I liked this scene better when it was Peter's dream about being the bomb (literally, not like black people use it) in an empty NYC from last year. (Nice song choice, by the way, by whoever made that video.)

So what'd you think of this episode? Who's this Adam guy referenced by Bob the company guy and Peter? Couldn't Claire and West come up with a less elaborate plan to get her on the cheer squad? (I see an evil turn for him soon...he enjoys messing with people a bit too much) Are you looking forward to what looks like another "future" episode? Finally, is there any chance at all that partnering Mohinder with Nikki will make him interesting?

Desperate Housewives: Fountain of Ugh

See, now THIS is how you successfully incorporate new characters into an already-large cast!

I don't want to mention which show I'm calling out — I'll just say that it rhymes with "Schmeroes."

Anyway, last night on "Desperate Housewives," the new additions to the cast — Bob and Lee, Katherine Mayfair — continued to tangle with our old friends from Wisteria Lane in entertaining ways.

The show began with Bob and Lee unleashing a truly heinous sculpture/fountain on the rest of the neighborhood and Bree saying what all of us were thinking, "All the gay men in the world, why'd we have to get the ones with bad taste." In addition to being ugly, the monstrosity was also noisy, giving newly jerky Mike something else to complain about and prompting Susan to ask Bob and Lee to take it down. Unfortunately, the two drama queens kicked up a bigger fuss than the issue deserved (babbling about the nature of art, and drawing parallels to the Nazis), leading to the second most entertaining storyline of the evening...

...Katherine restarting and running for president of the homeowner's association. That would've been boring on its own, except that Bob and Lee convinced Lynette that if Katherine could take down their (terrible) fountain, she could take down Lynette's kids' tree house, which has served as a haven from their mom's disease. The show hasn't been back a month and Katherine has already tangled with Bree, Gabby and now Lynette, which was particularly entertaining because Felicity Huffman is such a strong actress.

In the end, Susan's tiebreaker vote went to Katherine, giving Teri Hatcher and Huffman a nice little scene in which the two friends made up. I love the silliness on this show, but this cast is very strong and they can handle the serious/emotional moments just as well.

Gabby and Carlos handled most of the silliness as they tried to get away for a romantic weekend. I liked Gabby sneaking out with her teenaged gardeners (can't she get any other kind?) Who knew Eva Longoria-Parker made such a convincing teenage boy. Unfortunately, she ran into old flame John, the Gardener with a capital "G" (pictured, right), who was now more than ready to cheat on his pregnant (horrible) wife after shooting down Gabby last year. This led to another one of the episode's most entertaining scenes as Gabby thought she was getting her chili fries, but instead ended up having to get John out of the room before Carlos (who was hiding in the closet, closet, closet) could kill him.

Again, the silliness was balanced by a more serious scene as Carlos and Gabby maturely decided to end their respective relationships so they can be with each other. Of course, the maturity was overridden by stupidity as they made out right in front of a huge open window, in plain sight of the private investigator Edie (not Victor!) had hired.

Meanwhile, Bree got stuck with the least good (I don't want to say "worst" because it wasn't bad) storyline, trying to convince Danielle to let her have the baby. For some reason, Bree and Orson needed Andrew to point out to them how easy it should be to convince Danielle that she probably didn't want to spend the rest of her life living in a retirement community and raising a baby she doesn't really want.

In the end, they bribed her with a convertible and college in a Florida party school (I wonder which one), and Bree even extended an olive branch to her lonely ex-mother-in-law Phyllis, but not before smacking her down a bit (in classic Bree-like fashion) by saying she'd just tell people Phyllis needed the babysitting money. Also, I don't think I've ever enjoyed Danielle (using big words like "emasculated") as much as I did in this episode.

So what'd you think of this episode? What's up with the homophobic old woman? (she was great, by the way) What do you think it was Katherine's husband Adam did in Chicago that was so bad that it made her completely back off the fountain issue? Any chance we'll see John the Gardener on a more regular basis (since he apparently lives in the same town)? Finally, whatever happened to the guy Carlos hired to deal with Edie?

America's Next Top Recap: The Girl Who Ran From being in the Running

Well, that was a first for me (if not for the show).

Although last night wasn't the first time a girl quit "Top Model" (my research tells me someone named Cassandra in Cycle 5 quit because they were going to cut her hair shorter), it was the first time since I've started watching this show.

Obviously, I haven't seen that (and I couldn't find it on youtube), but I can't imagine it being as simultaneously lame, stunning and spectacularly disastrous as Ebony's exit.

I mean, it was no big secret that the no-smile zone known as Ebony (pictured, left) was itching to go home. And, if you paid attention to the editing, the bottom two was going to come down to Ambreal, who is trying WAY too hard, and Ebony, who had yet to try hard and started babbling about how much she missed her family. What is it about reality-show contestants that turns them into wrecks if they don't see their families for a few weeks? Phone calls are allowed, so what's the problem?

Anyway, we got a much needed infusion of real star power (as much as I enjoy Benny Ninja and don't enjoy the Twirly Twin, they are NOT stars) when male model/John Ceballos contemporary Tyson Beckford visited the house, even putting a smile on Ebony's face (temporarily). He taught the girls how to sell ordinary products (what a shocker that Chantal would pick a popsicle) before leading them to shoot an anti-AIDS PSA for the week's challenge. What better preparation to film an anti-AIDS PSA than trying to sell a banana while Tyson Beckford semi-creepily hovers by, right?

The girls split into teams and the ill-prepared Ambreal, Heather and Jenah, who dropped her poster boards to the ground with an unintentionally funny thud, (unfairly) beat out Saleisha, Sarah and Ebony. The reward was a gift basket for Ambreal and Chantal, and a photo shoot for Heather directed by Mary J. Blige(?!) a REALLY, real star because, let's be honest — not THAT many people know who Tyson Beckford is. Not as many as people who know who Mary J. Blige is, at least.

Anyway, the big development was Heather finally deciding to stare the camera down and striking up an unlikely friendship with Bianca (or as Erica calls her — Cueball). Heather's straight-on shots are just as good as her profile pics, and I can't possibly imagine her being a bigger front-runner. With eight girls left, I hope she's not peaking too early.

In case you forgot that "Top Model" was going green, the girls posed as recyclable items (that's hot!) with Heather, Saleisha (both VERY fierce) and Sarah (working that trash bag!) as my favorites, Ambreal (wake up!) and Ebony (so snarly) as the very worst, Chantal (the wind machine made it look cooler than it was) and Jenah (I think her head/neck are at a weird angle) being the ones which I didn't understand the judges praise of, and Bianca and Lisa being the two contestants Tyra is CLEARLY trying to sabotage by picking unflattering shots to display.

Speaking of Tyra, I was slightly disappointed she didn't rip into Ebony more after selecting her to advance to the next round and having her refuse that unparalleled honor. Seriously though, why did she go through the photo shoot and the challenge if she knew she was going to quit? Also, could it have been more awkward for Ambreal, who had been eliminated and was asked back almost as an afterthought. ("We don't like you enough to choose you to stay — but you can stay.")

So what'd you think of this episode? Am I the only one who thinks Jenah is just kinda ugly (when she's not all dolled up for a photo shoot)? She looks like Gwen Stefani, if Gwen Stefani were really ugly. What is the point of Sarah being the "plus-size" model, if she's going to continue to lose weight? Could Jaslene's "My Life as a Cover Girl" commercials be more annoying? Finally, do you think Ambreal can make a run for the title with her second life?

NFL Week 8 Picks

Are you a glass half-full, or half-empty person?

I'm asking because I broke even on my picks (7-7 week, 57-36 overall) and I'm not really happy. I think it sucks that I got half my picks wrong. So that makes me a "glass half empty" person. I don't think that makes me a pessimist, I just hate to lose. Actually, my real glass (or plastic cup) of water beside my keyboard is about 9/10 empty, so I'm gonna go fill that up, come back and do some picks.

INDIANAPOLIS @ CAROLINA
I hereby apologize to the Colts (one of two sure things in this column) for picking against them last Monday night. I like them to win over the Panthers, who are stupid for even considering giving David Carr and his dainty white gloves a start over the latest Official Erica Crush, Vinny Testaverde.

CLEVELAND @ ST. LOUIS (upset!)
Do I have to write anything on this game? Fine! Because the Browns are pretty crappy on the road, you know what, I'm taking the Rams, who have Marc Bulger back, could be getting star running back Steven Jackson back. Still, there's no chance I'll watch this game and a 90% chance I'll regret this pick on Monday.

NY GIANTS @ MIAMI
Miami has just as bad a record as St. Louis (0-7), but they just lost their best player (RB Ronnie Brown) for the season, whereas St. Louis is getting theirs back. Also, the Giants get to win one more game before the second half of the season and they start going in the tank and criticizing the coach. Honestly, other than the game the Redskins gave them, the G-Men have beaten the Falcons, Niners, Jets and Eagles, who have a combined record of 6-20. Actually, I made that number up, (too lazy to find out for sure) but their schedule has been pathetic.

PHILADELPHIA @ MINNESOTA
I honestly have no idea, because I KNOW Minnesota is lousy, but Philly continues to surprise me by how bad they are. I'm going with the Vikes because I think they'll shut down Brian Westbrook.

PITTSBURGH @ CINCINNATI
Cincinnati actually managed to win a game last week, though it was against the Jets. I doubt they'll run for 130-something yards against the Steelers, who'll be looking for someone to beat up on after losing to Denver Sunday night. Should be a good game.

DETROIT @ CHICAGO
The Bears temporarily saved their season with a big win over Philly last weekend, but I don't think they're healthy enough to stop the Lions, who scored 34 points in the FOURTH QUARTER of their last meeting. Should be a good matchup, though not as good as an actual Bear going up against a Lion. I don't even know who I like in THAT one.

OAKLAND @ TENNESSEE
I'm done overestimating the Raiders. I lost sight, over the past few weeks when I picked them to win, that they're still the Raiders. Plus Titans QB Vince Young is shaking off the Madden Curse and coming back this week.

BUFFALO @ NY JETS
Wake me up when Kellen Clemens is starting for the Jets. Yes, I know Pennington threw a 50-yard "bomb" last week, but this season, you or I could do that against the Bengals. He also (weakly) threw the pass on the out route toward the sideline that was intercepted and returned for the TD that iced it in the fourth quarter.

JACKSONVILLE @ TAMPA BAY
This is going to be another ugly game (probably uglier than the Bucs win over the Titans two weeks ago), but I'll take the Bucs (I wonder who they'll lose for the season THIS week) because the Jags are starting a third string QB (sorry Quinn Gray, that's what you are right now) and have one of their wide receivers (Matt Jones) backing him up. Also, their soul is questionable for this contest after being crushed by the Colts on Monday night.

HOUSTON @ SAN DIEGO
Here come the Chargers. A few weeks to late, but, here they come. Get out of the way.

NEW ORLEANS @ SAN FRANCISCO
I'll take the Saints because they actually have a little life in 'em now and the 49ers have, um, Trent Dilfer starting for them. Yikes.

WASHINGTON @ NEW ENGLAND
Washington's D actually matches up pretty well with the New England offense. So I'll predict Brady only throws 3 or 4 TD passes, instead of 5 or 6. Also, you may have heard that the Pats are on pace to break the record for team points in a season held by the '98 Vikings, which featured, you guessed it, Randy Moss. Brady is brilliant, but when I saw him toss up what were basically two Hail Mary's and Randy Moss easily caught both in double coverage, I said to myself "Randy Moss is the MVP." Then my brother asked me why I was talking to myself.

GREEN BAY @ DENVER
The Broncos saved their season with a win over the Steelers on Sunday night and now they'll host the Packers on Monday Night Football. Favre is good in MNF, but I like the Broncos at home (how many home games have they had already, geez!) and I'll ALWAYS take the good AFC team over the good NFC team.

Dancing with the Stars: Down Goes Osmond

Here it is.

I'm not going to tease you or hold out on you with it. You expected me to link to it. If you watch this show, you've heard about it, and if you don't then I'm sorry. Watching it on youtube doesn't really do justice to just how shocking Marie Osmond's fainting was live.

I mean, my immediate reaction to her fainting was that it was a playful faint, because Len was rattling off all the things you had to remember for a samba. Then the camera cut to her lifeless body on the ground and partner Jonathan Roberts and host Tom Bergeron kneeling beside her (pictured, left).

Two things: 1) I'm obviously glad Marie is ok, though her overly spinny and head whippy samba is probably what made her collapse in the first place, but led to a mediocre 21 out of 30. 2) Tom Bergeron does a VERY good job as host of this show. I kinda hated his cheesiness on the newer Hollywood Squares game show, but said cheesiness fits right in here and last night he had the presence of mind to send the show right to commercial after Marie's collapse. On the other hand, here was Samantha Harris at the end of the show: "See you next week" Tom: "..and tomorrow night even." Anyone wanna start a "bring back Drew Lachey" petition for me?

Anyway, it was Latin night in the ballroom as couples brough out their delicate, sexy rumbas as well as their (sorry, but it looks WAY more intense and challenging) sambas.

After a quick visit to London(?!) for a video shoot, Mel B. delivered the highest score of the night with a hot samba to, wait for it, the Spice Girls' "Spice up your life". I like that Maksim had Mel use the entire floor and his choreography seemed more alive than usual

The same could not be said for Helio and Julianne's rumba. I think the judges were a bit too tough on their scores (Really? Helio is no better than Mark Cuban? Really?) but they were right on to point out that what he had in technical proficiency, he lacked in, you know, sexiness. Or joy. Or anything positive. The shiny black turtleneck didn't help matters.

Speaking of Cubes, although he's a worst dancer than Helio, I enjoyed his "I Dream of Jeannie" themed samba 10 times more than the racecar driver's. I mean, Cuban just cannot compete with anyone else left in the competition when it comes to dancing skills, so he HAS to commit to a character, which he did beautifully last night.

One of the people he can't compete with is certainly Sabrina Bryan who delivered my favorite performance of the night (again), a sexy rumba to "Me and Mrs. Jones." She's so good that the judges are working overtime to point out reasons not to give her a 10 each week. (She still got a 10 and a trademark fist pump from Bruno).

With Marie falling off a bit (figuratively and literally) Jennie Garth and Cameron Mathison continued their ascension up the ranks. Sure their dances were entertaining, but not as fun as Jennie getting a hip hop dance lesson from Beyonce's booty-shaking guru and Cameron busting out a "Camdyta" shirt during his rehearsal. Wow.

Finally, there's Jane Seymour who delivered another sexy and elegant performance which led me to wonder whether she can do anything other than sexy and elegant at this point. What's gonna happen if she's forced to pick up the pace. I think she's a dark-horse candidate to finish in the bottom two on Tuesday night (not next week, Samantha). It damn sure won't be Marie (can you say "sympathy vote"?

So what'd you think of this episode? Which one of the Spice Girls were you most happy to see? (Personally, I think Baby Spice is looking the best). What were you thinking when Marie went down? Was it as bad as this? Does someone need to tell Carrie Ann this isn't a real ballroom competition? Finally, who's going home tomorrow night? (I'm picking Cuban for the 19th straight week.)

Heroes: The Panic Room

This week on "Heroes" we met a few more superpowered characters we'll marginally care for, while some of our favorites got pushed to the side — so it's like any other week on "Heroes" this year.

I don't really consider myself one of those spraining their ankles jumping off the "Heroes" bandwagon, but I call it like I see it. The latest episode, "Fight or Flight" was a step back, providing little to no forward progress on major storylines.

Even in the episode's most interesting scenes — involving Parkman and Nathan's — (Nate-man?pictured, right) visit to Parkman's mind-reading dad — I still don't really know too much more than I did going in. Sure, it was pretty cool to find out that Parkman's powers (and maybe others) can be developed and expand, and that little nightmare room scenario was pretty cool, but in the end it turned out to be a big tease as Parkman's dad easily got away. Also, why do you suppose Nathan's nightmare biggest fear involved a destroyed NYC? Didn't he already stop that from happening? Didn't make sense to me.

Maybe I'm just slow — actually, I'm definitely slow since my brother, my girlfriend and her brother all understood the fact that Nathan and Parkman were actually fighting each other before I did — but we still don't know if Parkman's dad is indeed Molly's boogeyman or if he's, as he claims, marked for death like the others.

At least Nate-man actually went somewhere. Poor Masi Oka is still stuck puttering around picturesque fields as Hiro is still stuck ancient Japan for no good reason. What are "Heroes" writers thinking? "Hmm, this guy is clearly our most popular character and breakout personality from the first season — let's stick him away from everyone else and not have him do anything for three weeks. I'm sure fans'll love that." Meanwhile, the writers are struggling to keep Ando involved as he visited an expert in some truly ineffective scenes to try to decipher a small sliver of paper from ancient Hiro and I got bored writing this sentence. I won't waste any more words in this paragraph since no one really cares about any of this garbage. Yes, I know I just did. Must. Stop. Now.

Let's talk about Mohinder instead (yes, we have to). After nagging Parkman a bit more (what a shrew!) he (stupidly) took sick Molly in to the Company over Mr. Bennett's wishes. Later while Mohinder was talking to Bob, the Company guy, Nikki, who'd been seeking treatment for the virus, came out of nowhere and nearly choked Bob to death, leading to the best joke in the hour. Not from character in the show, but from Erica, who threw in a perfectly timed "don't tase me, bro" as Mohinder took Nikki down. Two things occurred to me during this scene: 1) Nikki is still on this show? 2) I wish we were watching what Mr. Bennett and the Haitian are doing in Ukraine instead of this stuff.

In the end, Mohinder paid a visit to Monica, who, we learned is a Copycat (solid superhero name) who can imitate anything that she sees (doesn't have to be on TV). Since the writers decided to ruin Hiro's character, I'm actually kind of glad to see at least one character experience a bit of joy in discovering their new abilities, even if it leads to a cheesy double-dutch scene. I also enjoyed this storyline because it's good to see Micah become friends with someone, ANYONE. Then Mohinder showed up.

Then there's the Peter Petrelli saga. As he learned after opening the overly fancy memory box, that is, in fact, his name. Unfortunately, an electric young blonde named Elle arrived in town looking for Peter (well, that's where he got THAT power). After toasting the brother of Peter's new girlfriend (I admit I don't know any of their names because I've taken a mental nap through many of Peter's scenes this year), she was inexplicably pulled off the investigation.

I realize Kristen Bell is supposed to be a pretty good actress (I never watched "Veronica Mars", so I can't say for sure), but I did not care for her performance last night. Bell basically slinked through the episode acting like she figures a typical "badass girl" is supposed to act like, and it came off as just that — an act. It wasn't very good. Claire oozes more badass than this chick. (Speaking of Claire, come back! And bring Sylar and Mr. Muggles with you next week!)

The problem is that, except for Parkman and Nathan's murder investigation, none of these storylines have really gone anywhere. For example, I know Kensei's symbol is important (it's the mark of death for each of the older heroes who's kicked the bucket), but isn't it time we already moved towards that? Also, in the first five weeks, the show has jumped around from the boring Wonder Twins driving, um, somewhere, to Claire wanting to date a vaguely stalkerish guy, to Peter hanging out in a pub, to Micah in New Orleans, all with no relation to each other.

The first season did a better job of at least dropping hints to the main character's connections. I'm still hopeful things will pick up soon with Peter going to Montreal, Bennett and the Haitian in Ukraine and Hiro moving on to — nevermind, two out of three ain't bad.

So what did YOU think of this episode? Who is Elle's "daddy" who pulled her away from the chase for Peter? It's got to be Bob, right? It'd be cool if it were Mr. Bennett, but it's got to be Bob, right? Am I complaining too much about the show (or not enough)? Finally, does it make me a bastard to say that Peter's Irish girlfriend is just not pretty enough for him? (sorry, but it's true) I think I'd rather see him back with Fergie.

Desperate Housewives: Pest Control

Although last night's episode of "Desperate Housewives" was definitely the weakest of the season, but there was still plenty to like.

There was stuff to like right at the beginning when Bob and Lee (pictured, left), a gay couple from "the city" (umm, what city is that again?), arrived in Wisteria Lane. Unfortunately, the first person they met was Susan, but fortunately for us, her attempts at sounding PC ("I watch a lot of cable") were comedic gold. In her efforts to get them to like her, she went on to pretend to bake cookies for new neighbors. Later, she planned to pretend to find their beloved dog Raphael (not a third partner as Susan had guessed) and seem like a hero, but that plan went to hell when the dog escaped from her garage followed by an incriminating streak of yellow paint (nice touch on the paw prints leading right to the garage).

I'm not really sure how the new neighbors are going to fit in, but for one episode, it was fun watching them hate needy Susan. Still, judging by jerky Lee (the one who hates the suburbs), it may be just a short term move. Despite the fact that they were a tad oversensitive, and I think we're meant to root for Susan, it would've been nice if she hadn't been constantly trying to trick them. Overall, I like their addition to the show.

The new couple wasn't the only arrival in the neighborhood as Katherine's sick aunt came home to live out her last days. This week, Katherine didn't have any interactions with the rest of the ladies (which was disappointing), but Dana Delaney was still VERY effective and kinda scary in her scenes with Aunt Lilian, who wanted to clear her conscience about what they'd done all those years earlier. The reason I know these scenes were effective was because I was genuinely bummed when Katherine interrupted the older woman right as she was about to tell young Dylan why the girl couldn't remember living in Wisteria Lane (Katherine seems to have some otherworldly radar about when people are about to discover something in her house).

So what didn't work for me? Bree's ex mother-in-law Phyllis (Rex's mom). Ugh, hated her. I know the character is supposed to be annoying, but it got to the point where I just didn't want to watch that character on screen (which can't be what ABC or the writers want). Phyllis had sent Danielle a scooter as a present, but Bree refused to accept it and wouldn't let Andrew or Orson keep it, though Orson did manage to get in some wacky stunts in one of the highlights of this storyline — where the hell did he learn that stuff?

Also, though I know Andrew is supposed to be a jerk, I don't at all buy the fact that he would jeopardize his mom's fake baby ruse by having her friends throw her a baby shower just because she wouldn't let him have a scooter. Not good enough, writers.

The writers are also not doing a good enough job with the Edie character, and every week that goes by I wish more and more that they would've just left her hanging from her ceiling. This week, an outbreak of crabs (which Edie got from a tanning bed) led to Carlos and Gabby teaming up to discretely cure Victor. Eva Longoria-Parker (I'm getting used to saying it) once again helped salvage a mostly groan-worthy storyline as she dressed up as a hot-nurse and rubbed Victor down with the medicine ("For a guy getting a rubdown from a hot nurse, you ask a LOT of questions!"). In the end, Edie figured out the connection between Carlos, Gabby, and Victor after smelling her medication on Victor and after the four of them were served crab cakes (subtle!) at Bree's baby shower.

Finally, there was the saga of Tom and Lynette, who was feeling a little frisky while on break from chemo treatments. Unfortunately, her wig slipped off during foreplay, which kinda horrified Tom a bit. Eventually, Lynette got a replacement wig and engaged in some role-playing with Tom, though it turned out Tom was a bit TOO much into role playing and not enough into plain ol' Lynette.

There was some interesting stuff in there about how Tom should be in love with Lynette and not her costumes (and definitely not her "soul" as Lynette said), but mostly Tom came off sounding like a whiny little baby as he complained that Lynette had never asked him how HE was doing as SHE was undergoing treatment for cancer. Poor baby. At least that led to the best line of the night from Lynette, "I'm a cancer bitch." Only Doug Savant's acting and just overall likeability saved him from looking like a huge jerk.

So what'd you think of this episode? Is it just me or does Mike seem to be getting more fed up with Susan than usual? How will the gay couple be received by the rest of the neighborhood? Are they hiding something (which seems to be mandatory for that neighborhood)? Where the hell was Adam (Katherine's husband)? Finally, what did Katherine's aunt write on that piece of paper before she died?

NFL Week 7 Picks

Man, I'm barely getting by (7-6 week, 50-39 overall) here like the New England Patriots barely get by in all their games. Oh wait, they've won each won by at least two touchdowns so, bad example. At least I can pick the Patriots and the Colts to win on most weeks, so I'm good for one or two wins each time out. Read on to see if I'm foolish enough to mess with that formula.

TENNESSEE @ HOUSTON
Two (lower-tiered) AFC South rivals battle it out. And Vince Young battles it out with the Madden curse. Whether Vince plays or not, I like Houston at home mostly because I saw Tennessee up close against the Bucs and was not really THAT impressed (although it DOES take two teams to put together a game that boring and non-descript).

BALTIMORE @ BUFFALO
After a bye week and coming off a big Monday Night wi…,oh crap, Buffalo lost that game. This game is the front-runner for the coveted "Titans/Bucs Memorial Most Boring Game of the Week" award.

TAMPA BAY @ DETROIT
Now this should actually be a pretty interesting game. Detroit has a much-improved offense (which should flourish in that dome) and the Bucs defense is also much-improved (and their speed should also translate favorably indoors). I'm not going to pretend this is anything other than a shameless homer pick.

ARIZONA @ WASHINGTON
Just when you think Washington is going to break out, they lay an egg. On the other hand, the Arizona Cardinals are majorly screwed after losing their top two QBs (Tim Rattay will get the start). They're almost as screwed as an actual cardinal would be in the dessert.

SAN FRANCISCO @ N.Y. GIANTS
"This Guy's Lackluster Season Is Killing My Fantasy Team: Part I" starring Frank Gore of the 49ers. Also, this is week 7, so it'll be two more weeks until the second half of the season, when the Giants traditionally go in the tank.

ATLANTA @ NEW ORLEANS
Of course, after declaring that I was done with New Orleans, they go to Seattle and win (huh!) They should be able to beat Byron Leftwich, Joey Harrington, Chris Chandler or whatever other mediocre QB Atlanta wants to throw out there in the Superdome. Come on, Saints, give the people of New Orleans something to cheer about!

MIAMI @ NEW ENGLAND
If you've ever watched NFL Countdown with Chris Berman and Tom Jackson, there are a few games each year with a heavily favored team playing a terrible team who you would think has no chance, then, dramatically, Berman will say "that's why they play the game." All that being said, Miami has no chance, and I think they should not show up, forfeit and not play the game.

KANSAS CITY @ OAKLAND
Obviously by calling them the worst team in the league, I motivated the Chiefs into first place of their (crappy division). Still, I'm riding the Oakland train one more week, but if they lose again, I'm off!

N.Y. Jets @ CINCINNATI
"This Guy's Lackluster Season Is Killing My Fantasy Team: Part II" starring Carson Palmer. I'm taking the Bengals because, although they're almost as bad as the Jets, at least Cincinnati can score. The Jets can't do anything.

MINNESOTA @ DALLAS
It's SO tempting to pick the Vikings after RB Adrian Peterson exploded last week (and Dallas' defense isn't anything to write home about) and the Cowboys got embarrassed by the Patriots. It's VERY tempting, but I'm just not going to take a Tarvaris Jackson-led on the road against the best team in the conference. That's just not something I'm going to do at this point.

CHICAGO @ PHILADELPHIA
"This Guy's Lackluster Season Is Killing My Fantasy Team: Part III" starring Cedric Benson (pictured, top right). That's a hell of a trilogy. I mean, at least Gore and Palmer appear to be trying, whereas Benson looks absolutely lifeless and like he doesn't give a damn. Hmm, which underachieving team that I had in the conference finals will win this game? I'll take the Eagles at home because, although their offense is improved, they don't seem able to stop anybody. And I don't think they'll stop Donovan McNabb.

ST. LOUIS @ SEATTLE
If I call St. Louis the worst team in the league long enough, will that propel them to the top of the division (see Chiefs, Kansas City)? Probably not. They're THAT bad.

PITTSBURGH @ DENVER
I keep talking and hearing about this great homefield advantage the Broncos allegedly have but the Chargers (from San Diego!) and the Jaguars (from Jacksonville, FLORIDA!!) have gone north and kicked their ass this year. Also, the fact that Pittsburgh LOVES to run the ball, and Denver CANNOT stop anyone from running the ball will lead to bad times for the Broncos.

INDIANAPOLIS @ JACKSONVILLE (upset)
Why oh why am I going against one of my two sure things each week? Because the Colts are slightly beat up, they're not playing in that dome (where they're impossible to beat) and Jacksonville always, ALWAYS plays them tough. Look for a lot of MoJo Drew running the ball down their throats.

America's Next Top Recap: High Anxieties

If we get nothing else out of this season, er cycle, of "Top Model", at the very least we were introduced to the term "high-fashion gargoyle." I'll pause for a second to let you soak that in.

Ok, welcome back. For my money, none of the girls this week pulled off the "high-fashion gargoyle" look nearly as well as Demona of "Gargoyles" (pictured, left) did.

Anyway, as is the case with "Top Model" in almost every episode, you can pretty much peg who is going to be in the bottom two by the way the episode is edited. I mean it's not like the show would focus on Ambreal (we learned she was a musical theatre person and deathly afraid of heights) and Janet (we learned, well nothing about her really, but she got more face time than the previous four episodes combined, so she was a goner) for no good reason. You probably could've also guessed that Lisa would be called first at the panel for her picture after launching a national campaign to be called first during panel.

Speaking of the freakishly-skinny-even-for-this-show exotic dancer, the haters were out in full force after Lisa (admittedly inexplicably) won the week's challenge. America's Next Top Recap Benny Ninja (who may be skinnier than Lisa) first took the girls on a trampoline (where Lisa bombed) and had them practicing posing in mid-air (and pose, pose...).

Eventually, the girls in the running met up with pairs figure skater Lloyd Eisler (and his bad facial hair), who would be performing aerial tricks with the girls on the ice as they posed. That challenge was pretty damn scary if you ask me. Although I was unhappy to see her back in full-on bitch mode after Lisa's win, Bianca DID technically kinda win the thing with her easy smile and demeanor (if not her, then at least Ambreal). Still, her put down of Lisa ("Did the makeup make you breakout?") was way harsh.

As mentioned before, the photo shoot involved the girl posing as gargoyles on a rooftop. My favorites were Lisa (something fierce), Ebony (you know what, she was right during panel — her gums ARE too big. Sorry) and Heather (who stubbornly refuses to look at the camera). My least favorites were Chantal (she's just stupid and clearly has no idea what a gargoyle is so she just struck a generic sexy pose) Sarah (who also apparently had no idea what a gargoyle was, but didn't strike as sexy a pose as Chantal) Ambreal (her face was a frozen mask of fear) and, worst of all, Janet (too squinty — also, I see London, I see France...)

So what'd you think of this episode? Did I make a big mistake by praising the term "high-fashion gargoyle" and completely ignoring Tyra's coining of the phrase "open squint" (classic Tyra!)? When did Heather become so comfortable with herself that she's now able to pass snap judgments on all the other girls' faults? Could Jenah's (far left) blonde weave look any worse? That wasn't rhetorical, I mean, REALLY is it possible for that thing to look worse? Finally, why do some dudes continue to believe that stupid chin-only facial hair like Lloyd's looks good?

Desperate Housewives: Keeping Up the Charade

Sorry for the super-late recaps this week. I know you've all undoubtedly been sitting at your computers, reading my blog and fruitlessly clicking "Refresh" over and over again hoping my "Desperate Housewives" recap would show up.

Anyway, back in the real world, I've been working till around 8 each night and I didn't get around to watching the latest, very, VERY funny episode of "Desperate Housewives" until Tuesday night. The show is not perfect, but the latest episode was just as good as any from the first season, and is, once again, one of the best comedies on TV.

A big reason for that could be the fact that Susan's "Charades party" was a brilliant ploy in two ways: 1) Who doesn't LOVE a game night and can't relate to the wackiness that ensues? 2) It's a clever way to get pretty much every cast member in the same room and interacting with each other. For some reason I got a kick out of the fact that Gabby's husband Victor, the mayor of Fairview, would have to be dragged to a game night like the rest of us.

Speaking of Victor, his dark side resurfaced as he revealed to Carlos that if Gabby had cheated on HIM with the gardener, he'd likely have the guy killed and cover the whole thing up. Hokay. Victor's character is kind of all over the place. One second he's neglecting Gabby in favor of his political career (as was the case when she was shameless flirting with Katerine's husband Adam) and all of a sudden, he's super-possessive and verging on evil. I guess it comes with the whole "considering Gabby a possession" thing, but "evil Victor" is more interesting, and I'm thinking his dark side is going to eventually lead to his inevitable breakup with Gabby. On the other hand, (like Gabby) I found Carlos' reaction (breaking a glass in anger) weirdly sweet.

Meanwhile, Bree and Orson had to leave the party early because very pregnant daughter Danielle hurt herself rollerskating through convent she's holed up in. Just take a moment to picture how ridiculous that scenario is. Nevertheless, Marcia Cross tied it all together (as she usually does) during an emotional scene where she showed genuine love for one of her horrible children (again!) and a mostly genuine scene with Susan where the character almost confessed her secret fake adoption to her friend (though I didn't think for a second it would actually happen).

In the same way that Eva Longoria-Parker had a nice episode last week while being paired with Felicity Huffman, Teri Hatcher shined in her many scenes with Marcia Cross. Susan's visit to the ob-gyn Bree blindly recommended was brilliant stuff as was the scene where she confronted Bree at the party afterwards. Also...a charade designation for "poem"? Really, Susan? Keep mixing the ladies up with each other and see what happens.

I mean, Lynette's mom, Stella, mixed in some "kick ass chronic" into brownies for Lynette and you saw what happened. We got some awesome Felicity Huffman action as Lynette (pictured, right) tripped out to "Spongebob" and insensitively brought up Edie's suicide attempt during the charades party while acting out the film "Hang 'Em High." Huffman and the writers are taking what could've been a potential downer of a storyline (Lynette's cancer) and turning it into a highlight.

Of course, the reason everyone decided to attend one of Susan's lame parties was to try to find out Katherine's secret. In fact, Katherine was involved in two genuine oh s--- moments last night. When Gabby blurted that Bree saw Katherine slap her daughter Dylan, I said oh s---. I said it again, when Dylan and Julie were looking in her old, previously locked bedroom and Katherine appeared out of nowhere.

Finally, I'll give a shout out to some of the guys on Wisteria Lane. Although I'm disappointed that Carlos is stuck being whipped by Edie, I was amused by Orson and Tom talking trash to each other (over charades). Also, Nathan Fillion (as Adam) has been a solid addition, and we're finding out new stuff about his character, such as the fact that he apparently has a wandering eye. Something's not right with that couple (obviously). I wonder if it's a marriage of convenience and he and Katherine have some sort of deal going.

So what'd you think of this episode? What happened in Dylan's old room that caused the scratch on the floor Katherine was crying over? The whole Carlos-hiring-a-hitman thing is a fakeout, right? When Lynette's mom was buying pot, I know the obvious choice was Andrew, but did you (like me) think it could be Mrs. McCluskey? Finally, if Mike were edited out of this show, would you notice (or care)?

Dancing with the Stars: Can I Get a Lift?

Well apparently, I can't get a lift because such a maneuver would jeopardize the integrity of an otherwise honorable and respectable dance competition — in which one of the judges refers to one of the contestants as "Bigfoot in a suit."

Let's hope that the surgical procedure to remove the stick from judge Carrie Ann I-NAH-ba (pictured, left) was a success because her nitpicking about lifts during Monday's paso dobles and Viennese waltzes overshadowed, by far, the best night of dancing this season. I mean, you would think that last night was the first time any of the contestants feet left the ground.

Still, neither the celebrities nor the pro dancers who protested to Carrie Ann's critiques came out looking good. Instead, they mostly came off as whiners and slightly rude, especially when you could clearly see their feet leaving the ground during performances. Bottom line: Carrie Ann needs to lighten up, and the contestants should take the high road and not come off as whiners. No one likes a whiner.

The first offenders were Jane Seymour and pro partner Tony, who may or may not have lifted Jane half an inch off the ground for half a second (2:55 seconds in) during an otherwise terrific waltz. Later, Floyd Mayweather and Karina got busted as they finished their paso doble (Floyd's best dance, by far) with a funky, cool-looking inverted dip.

Toward the end of the show Edyta used Cameron Mathison's body to hoist herself up in the air (though the steps by the stage would've probably worked just as well) during their Superman-themed paso doble to the "Superman Theme" (yes, that performance actually happened), while Jennie Garth was spun off the ground a few inches by Derek during their great paso doble. Yes, I just said "great" and "Jennie Garth" in the same sentence when talking about this show, and she wins the "Marie Osmond Most Improved Award", even scoring a 10 from the suddenly cuddly Len Goodman. I can safely say that next week I'll actually remember that she's on this show.

Speaking of Osmond, she had a solid, but slightly restrained waltz and some genuinely funny comments during her backstage interview where she joked that she'd have to forget a few siblings' names to remember her dances. Like Osmond, Mel B. had a very solid, if unspectacular waltz. Mostly, I'm looking forward to seeing her partner Maksim interact with the Spice Girls next week.

Oh yeah, Sabrina Bryan scored the first perfect 30 of the season, but we already knew she was the best dancer on the show and it was only a matter of time before the judges stopped hating.

Meanwhile, Helio re-established himself as one of the front-runners, closing out the show with a lovely and impressive waltz. Nice job again by partner Julianne of throwing in lots of tricks, though we finally saw that start to take a toll on Helio, who was slightly freaking out. EvenMark Cuban had a charming, but still slightly-clunky, waltz to start off the show. In a night where everyone else was on top of their game, I picked Cuban to go home, but instead it was Floyd who got sent packing. Oh well, now he can go work on his sucky posture and prepare for that pay-per-view fight in December he's been plugging all this time.

So what'd you think of this episode? Was it just me or was each performance shorter than usual? How much longer is Cameron going to milk the whole Superman thing? Finally, although Samantha Harris didn't do anything obviously horrible (other than being her cheesy self), you still liked Drew Lachey better, right?

Heroes: As Seen On Television

What if I was to tell you that you had to sit through an episode of "Heroes" without Hiro or Peter — is that something you might be interested in?

Well the answer is probably no, but last night's episode "The Kindness of Strangers" managed to be pretty compelling without a single appearance from two of last year's main characters. I'm not going to say that the show is "back," but it's heading in the right direction.

That includes some forward movement in the "Molly's Boogeyman" storyline after it was revealed that the man in Molly's dream is Parkman's father (just go with it) who is also apparently a member of the older generation of "Heroes". Unfortunately, we're still being treated to laughably bad junk like Mohinder and Parkman playing house with Molly Walker, who had been stuck in "I'm having nightmares about the boogeyman mode" since the season started, but now seems like she's trapped in her own mind. I think I'll enjoy her more this way. Also, I bet Parkman is happy to get out of the house and away from that nag Mohinder.

Speaking of laughably bad, I realize this show intentionally models itself after some comic books in its style, but some of the dialogue is just embarrassing sometimes and makes me groan out loud. I'm thinking of West telling Claire "I know you can heal, but I never want to see you hurt." Awwwwwww...geez! I'm still not 100 percent sold on West as a good guy (or Nick D'agosto as a good actor), and their "dates" just seem more ridiculous to me than sweet, but I have to give credit where credit is due — Hayden Panettiere is carrying these scenes. She's a very good actress and, along with Jack Coleman as her adoptive dad, she's carrying this show during this early-season swoon.

Any scene with those two has become the best thing about the show (Mr. Muggles optional) because that family just CANNOT stop lying to each other. Claire now has to pretend she's cheerleading instead of dating West, while Mr. Bennett/Butler will have to think of an excuse to go to Ukraine (the Ukraine is weak!) after the Haitian informed him of the location of one Isaac's eight missing paintings.

Meanwhile, down in New Orleans, we were introduced to yet another hero as Micah's cousin, Monica Dawson (pictured, top right), dispatched of a would be robber by doing her best Rey Mysterio impersonation (points subtracted for not finishing the guy off for the pin with the West Coast Pop). It seems that Monica has some sort photographic memory that lets her perform feats she's seen. All of this would've been interesting enough without the forced references to Hurricane Katrina that kept popping up, but this is a new character I can see myself caring about (unlike Micah's other male cousin, who is just a horrible child).

Even the Wonder Twins were more interesting this week, though I'm 100 percent sure it's because they ran into Sylar this week. I was under the impression that Sylar was completely isolated from the outside world after (the apparently now dead) Candice/Michelle had taken him to that shack, but apparently all he had to do to get away was go for a REALLY long walk. It wasn't long before he found out the twins were on their way to find Chandra Suresh (who Sylar murdered) and that they have great power themselves. I bet Alejandro's going to wish he'd left Sylar dead pretty soon.

So what'd you think of this episode? How do you like your Nathan? Beard or no beard? (No beard!) Are Erica and I the only people who completely forgot that Nathan has kids? Could Nathan's mom be any creepier? (By the way, Cristine Rose is the second or third best actor on this show) Do you agree that this episode was an improvement and will the show keep the momentum going when Peter and Hiro's static storylines come back?

America's Next Top Recap: Makeover Madness

Well, the makeover episode finally arrived and it did NOT disappoint. And by "did not disappoint", I meant that one of the girls inevitably started crying as her hair was chopped off.

My brother and I actually tried to guess who the culprit would be (yes, this actually happened...I had Heather because I figured her mild mental condition would cause her to freak out), but Tyra foiled us by flipping the script on Bianca and leaving her hair Ceballos-length.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention the fact that Bianca looks about 300 percent better with the shorter hair (I never realized what a strong, modely face she has...she should ditch the wig full-time) instead of that stupid reddish bang she was rocking. So stop complaining! My other favorite new looks were Saleisha (who kinda DOES look like a Beatle), Janet (who looks like a MUCH fiercer version of her old self) and Heather (who looks pretty much the same, except for a minor upgrade, which is fine because she looked awesome before.)

My least favorites were Jenah (her out of control bleach blonde hair looked like a disaster by the time the judges panel came around), Lisa (who's look is actually a downgrade) and Sarah (who was not incorrect when she said her new 'do makes her look like her mom — who I've never seen).

I'm going to breeze through the makeup challenge because I'm a straight guy and I don't know jack about makeup. Sarah, John's official pick to win the whole thing, won the challenge, but, to me, the big revelation is that Nigel is married. Is this something everyone knew? Did you also hear the sound of about six girls' hearts breaking at the same time, and many millions more worldwide?

Anyway, this week's photo shoot had the girls posing as all manner of plant life. Highlights from the shoot included Chantal not being able to listen to two sets of instruction and Victoria overthinking (as all the "smart" girls tend to do) and turning in a poor performance.

Ah Victoria (pictured, top left). The editing all night was screaming at us all night that the brainiac from Yale might be going home. Personally, I dug the fact that Victoria wasn't a sheep. She said that some of the stuff the models have to do on this show is "absolutely ridiculous." This just in — it IS absolutely ridiculous. She's also had the nerve to talk back to Twiggy three weeks in a row (like Twiggy ever has anything interesting to say) and earned a reputation for having a prickly demeanor. I don't think she's ever been disrespectful (other than interrupting people when they're talking), but mostly I think the judges are kinda shell-shocked when someone dares to talk back at them in a cool, collected voice instead of staring blankly as they get critiqued or coming back with over-the-top sass. Oh well, she didn't seem too broken up about leaving, so I'm ok with it.

Anyway, the bottom two predictably came down to Victoria (two words — neck wrinkles) and Saleisha (who I didn't think was THAT bad, I just couldn't see her eyes). I thought Chantal was worse. My favorites were Heather (who just looked like a freak), Jenah (who BECAME moss) and Ebony (who the judges will now target for having a bad attitude now that Victoria is gone).

So what'd you think? Was this not CLEARY the best episode of the season? What was your favorite makeover? Were you as unsurprised as I was when Saleisha ended up in the bottom two after saying earlier "I'm never going to be in the bottom two"? I think we finally got through a Top Model episode this season, er cycle, without mention of the word "Asperger's". Don't you just love how "Before" photos anywhere have that intentionally bad lighting to make a person look worse? Finally, am I really the only one who's going to miss Victoria?

NFL Week 6 Picks

Well, after a truly pathetic 4-10 performance, I bounced back decently this week (9-5 week, 43-33 overall). Wish I could say the same for my baseball picks, where the only series I got right was (sigh) the Red Sox winning. Anyway, now that the baseball season is pretty much dead to me (go Rockies!) I can focus all my energy on football.

MINNESOTA @ CHICAGO
Chicago saved its season against the Packers on Sunday night. I look for them to beat up Minnesota, who has a crappy young quarterback. The Bears eat crappy young quarterbacks for breakfast! Actually, Bears probably prefer a solid does of berries for breakfast, but by the time this game starts, it'll be lunch time, so they can eat the Vikes' Tarvaris Jackson for lunch!

MIAMI @ CLEVELAND
I apologize for ignoring Miami in my "worst team in the league" sweepstakes. Things don't look like they're going to get better with the immortal Cleo Lemon era restarting (I STILL say that sounds like a made-up name on Madden). Also, the Browns kinda kick ass at home.

WASHINGTON @ GREEN BAY
Two much-improved teams with solid defenses, but the difference is that the Redskins can actually run the ball. I think the Brett Favre love-fest starts to go downhill after their loss to the Bears.

CINCINNATI @ KANSAS CITY
Someone tell the Bengals the season didn't end after week 1. They have to show up again this year at some point. This should be one of the more entertaining games — despite the presence of the Chefs.

TENNESSE @ TAMPA BAY
I like the Bucs at home, even though the fact that they called me this week and offered me a contract to play running back is probably not a good sign.

ST. LOUIS @ BALTIMORE
St. Louis showed life last week (as I predicted), but lost (not as I predicted). I expect the Ravens to step on their throat. This should be one of the more depressing games of the week.

HOUSTON @ JACKSONVILLE
This should be an interesting division matchup. I'm going with Jacksonville because they've looked really good in Denver and Kansas City which are tough places to play in. At least they used to be. Then again, I can never accurately predict the Jags, so congrats to the Texans on the win.

PHILADELPHIA @ N.Y. JETS
Ugh, the Jets are just depressing at this point. They're like the '06 Bucs — no defense, no offense and mediocre special teams. My boss just threw a wad of paper in a trash can eight yards away thereby displaying more arm-strength than Chad Pennington. I mean, Chad's a nice guy and all, but could he BE more done?

CAROLINA @ ARIZONA
Well, the Cardinals avoided the QB controversy I predicted by breaking Matt Leinart's collarbone (yes, I believe it was an inside job). I like them this week because Carolina is slightly worse, but I don't think Warner will be as good playing full-time as he was sharing the load with Leinart.

OAKLAND @ SAN DIEGO (upset!)
Well, seeing as how San Diego finally woke up this season, maybe they can roll over and wake up the Bengals. Still, I think that game said more about how bad Denver is now, than how good the Chargers are. They are STILL coached by Norv Turner, and I really like this young energetic Raiders team. This should be one of the better games of the week.

NEW ENGLAND @ DALLAS
This is the game of the week and the game of the year so far. I'm going with New England because they're the best team on the planet. Period. I don't really think it'll be close to be honest, since New England players have been going out of their way to beat people down now that everyone assumes they're cheaters. I can already see and I'm really looking forward to the shots of Romo and T.O. (pictured, looking content...for now!) bickering on the sidelines.

NEW ORLEANS @ SEATTLE
I'm done with the Saints. You should be too.

N.Y. GIANTS @ ATLANTA
The Giants are 3-2?! This team was a complete disaster the first two weeks. That's the NFL right there for you. Speaking of complete disasters, they're playing the Falcons. I bet Atlanta wishes they could just simulate the rest of the season (videogame style) and just be done with it.

Dancing with the Stars: Women on Top

Last night showcased my two favorite dances featured on this utterly silly reality show: the jive, which is most like swing, and the tango, which is dramatic, even when one of the participants is sporting a ridonkulous mustache/horse tail — seriously, that thing was WAY too much to have come from a mere pony.

And so we had the five women dominating the leaderboard. Jane, Sabrina, Mel. B, Marie and Jennie grabbed the top five slots, while the men just mostly shuffled around uncomfortably on the dance floor.

The most emotional dance of the night was obviously Jane's tango, which she dedicated to her mother, who loved the show and died this past week. Again, Jane impressed with her technique and her classy demeanor. Unfortunately, the costume designer decided to stick her with a mildly whorish looking wig some silent film actress from the 1920s threw out.

Much to my surprise, my second favorite performance was from Marie Osmond, who, again, must be thanking her lucky stars to be paired with the brilliant Jonathan Roberts. He's absolutely maximizing her potential and making her into a legitimate threat to win if she keeps getting better. Now, if only they could ban Donny from rehearsal's — homeboy's enthusiasm is kinda creepy. Funny, sometimes, but mostly creepy.

Sabrina delivered another excellent performance despite the fact that all the cool tricks (leapfrogs, backflip, worm) were performed by her pro partner, and she took the heat because the routine was too showy. I DID like the cheetah paw prints on her lapel. It's a little something for the fans without beating me over the head with the whole cheetah thing.

Meanwhile, Mel B's (or Queen B., according to host Tom Bergeron — badumba!) jive wasn't quite as good as the 27 it got (she seems to lose interest and concentration at times) and Jennie Garth (pictured, left) won the most improved award for the week. She usually looks WAY too serious out there (and even looks kinda nervous in that publicity photo accompanying this column...it's a publicity photo...relax!), but since she was doing a tango this week, it actually suited her. The judges (and everyone else in the audience) seemed really relieved that Jennie finally didn't suck.

On the other hand, the men ranged from the slightly above-competent (hello Cameron Mathison, and your impossibly cheesy Clark Kent/Superman switcheroo) to Newton. Newton is my new adjective for awful. I should be nice though, he actually turned in his best performance this week (because he didn't move around that much). But he was still awful. Sorry.

In between we had Floyd Mayweather, who is still not able to channel all his energy into technique and dancing ability and used the show to promote a December fight — because I'm sure the people that watch this show, also watch a ton of boxing. Helio Castroneves was pretty mediocre last night. Once again, he had that huge/charming grin plastered on his face, but for the first time it seemed out of place. And although his partner Julianne always throws in a ton of tricks (at the expense of the actual dance they're performing any given week), for some reason it was even more obvious this week. Maybe because Helio apparently cut his knee and tore his pants when he did some sort of overly aggressive suicide dip.

In a semi-related story, Mark Cuban is kinda hopeless and I'm not really enjoying watching him dance. I know he really wants this (although the reason WHY he wants this so bad is probably the show's biggest mystery), he's not getting better, he just had his hip replaced, and he kinda has to go. And I think he will.

Who do YOU think's getting the boot? Do this week's results definitely indicate that we're getting a female winner this year? What does Sabrina have to do to get a 10? Why does Wayne Newton own so many horses? Finally, do you miss regular co-host Samantha Harris yet? (me neither)