Desperate Housewives: Give Me Back My Son (and Daughters)!

Is there anyone on this show NOT getting any action?

Oddly enough, the one person we haven't seen getting any this year is Edie with her new husband. She resorted to intensely eyeing some cupcakes in that inexplicable shot that had nothing to do with anything in last night's episode.

Other than, pretty much everyone is busy getting busy. Last week, we found out Tom and Lynette's son was doing the deed, but Orson and Bree and Mike and Katherine joined the party this week. Meanwhile, Susan and Jackson were avoiding having sex on purpose (whatever), while Mrs. Hildebrand still wanted to keep the Solis family nearby partly because of Carlos' magic touch.

At first it was amusing seeing Gabby living large again, though I'm a little shocked Mrs. Hildebrand's butler didn't at least spit in her margarita after she made him climb in the pool to refill it. We also knew the arrangement was too good to last. Eventually, Mrs. Hildebrand was climbing into bed with the Solises and violating all sorts of boundaries. At first, I thought Hildebrand was just devious and wanted to be near Carlos. Now, I'm thinking she may be some sort of a mixture of a sad, lonely crazy old lady who wants a surrogate family in the worse way — and she has the power to acquire one.

Gabby was the one who had to put her in her place and I was ok with that. Usually, the men of Wisteria Lane are a bunch of wusses, but Carlos had tried warning Gabby that getting to close to Mrs. Hildebrand would be a mistake, so it was right that Gabby would have to be the bad guy. Of course, both will suffer now that Carlos has lost his gig at the country club.

I doubt we've seen the last of Mrs. Hildebrand (who just may be the craziest person on the block) and I'm looking forward to seeing her face off against Gabby in the near future.

Another thing that didn't take much time was Lynette and Tom realizing that Porter was sleeping with the much-older Anne. I LOVED the scene at the beginning with Tom acting nonchalant because he thought Porter was sleeping with a classmate, while Lynette grew more irate because she thought he was admitting to an affair. It was a great contrast with Doug Savant playing the scene completely light and Felicity Huffman playing it like a tragedy.

In fact, I enjoyed it a LOT more than the much-hyped scene teased in the previews of Lynette slapping Anne (pictured, left) in the ladies' room (how un-ladylike). I get that Lynette is fiercely protective of her son, but this scene just did NOT work the way the writers probably intended. Were we supposed to cheer on Lynette as she beat up Anne? Why? We don't know Anne and we barely have any ill will towards her. In fact, I ended up feeling sorry for this woman, who appears to be in an abusive marriage. I'm almost positive this is the opposite of what the writers wanted us to feel.

Whether she's really in love with Porter remains to be seen. Another thing I wasn't 100% on was her and Porter's apparent destination. I thought it was pretty clear they were skipping town to get an abortion, while my girlfriend Erica thought they were running away together for good. The latter seems more unrealistic, but realism isn't exactly this show's strong suit.

While Lynette found out about her son's affair pretty quickly, we're still waiting for some movement on the storyline with Dave. It seemed stuck on neutral last night. We, the audience, know that he probably wants revenge on Mike for killing his brother in prison, and we also know that Dave appears to be criminally insane. Unfortunately, we have to sit around and watch the rest of the characters find this out. As much as I like Lily Tomlin as Mrs. McCluskey's sister, I would've preferred if Mrs. M. stayed out of sight for a bit after she was sent off to the hospital before making her triumphant return.

At least, if Mike gets killed, he'll likely die a happy man — or at least a not-horny one. The show threw us a curveball by teasing an Orson/Bree sex tape (which would've been GREAT), but instead revealed the people getting it on on-camera were Mike and Katherine. What's grosser? Eating something prepared on that counter, or having sex on the same counter someone else recently had sex on. Ick.

While I liked the idea of Bree sorta-unleashing Andrew to get the sex-tape back (come on, the guy wears a suit 24/7 now, he's a good guy!), I wasn't totally buying her warning to Katherine about dating Susan's ex. "We're women. We don't do that to each other." I'm not sure what show she's been watching. Right now, it's not a serious relationship. They're just hooking up, so who cares? Then again, I'm a guy, so maybe I just don't get it. Of course, the way Mike was looking up and down the block when Katherine came over also told us their little meetings weren't exactly kosher.

Finally, there was Susan and Jackson, who were starting over in their relationship. At first, I though the whole getting-to-know-you, no-sex cutesiness was going to get on my nerves, but this storyline ended up being surprisingly effective.

Part of that was the fact that Jackson's hair looked 35% less girly in this episode, but it was mostly due to the two actors selling the cheesiness. Susan found out that Jackson was a painter (as in art) and that not-having sex had inspired him to paint a portrait of Susan where she looked sad and thoughtful (so very un-Susan like). The fact that Gale Harold and Teri Hatcher were able to sell this silly scene (especially with Hatcher wearing another another of Susan's impossibly-long collection of fetish lingerie) speaks to both actors' talents. They made me care last night (for the first time).

So what'd you think of this episode? We found out Susan's (chunks, panties), but what are some of the words YOU don't care for? (One of mine is "fart.") Do you think Anne is definitely pregnant? (I know they're not 100% effective, but they WERE using condoms and she could be lying.) Finally, what exactly with Orson and Bree do with that olive oil? Yikes!