NFL Week 13 Picks

After yet another ok-but-not-great week (10-6 week, 103-63 overall), I'm starting to notice a trend. I mean, look at my record — I was four games over .500 for the week I'm 40 games over .500 for the season. My season record is basically a 10-6 season, so I'm basically a wild card team/low-level division champ.

After a not-promising start (I got my Thursday night pick wrong), I'm going to try and elevate myself into the first-round-bye level of NFL prognostication.

SAN DIEGO @ KANSAS CITY
You know, I keep picking the Chiefs at home because they're supposed to be this great home team, but I don't think it's worked out for me yet this season. I'm VERY nervously taking the Chargers, who tend to screw the pooch the week after they actually look good. Here's hoping the unpredictable Chargers just win the game and don't actually screw a pooch.

HOUSTON @ TENNESSEE
You know every time I do my picks, I compile my previous week's win-loss record from memory. I follow sports fairly closely, so I can remember who won on Sunday 99% of the time. Except when the Texans are involved. I ALWAYS have to look that score up because they never leave ANY impression on me. I think they're probably the most forgettable team in the league. What the hell was I talking about again? Also, Vince Young looks HORRIBLE. What's up with that? When are people going to start giving him crap for that (ala Eli and McNabb)?

JACKSONVILLE @ INDIANAPOLIS
Yes, I dared pick the Jags at home on Monday night weeks back and I got burned. Do I dare pick them at the top of their game in the RCA Dome against a banged up Colts team. No, I don't dare. It's like the old saying: "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on the Jags for once again tricking me into thinking they can beat the Colts."

BUFFALO @ WASHINGTON
RIP Sean Taylor. This was already going to be a tough game to pick before having to guess whether the Skins would be galvanized by the tragedy involving their teammate, or just not that interested in playing football. I'm going with the former.

SAN FRANCISCO @ CAROLINA
San Francisco showed signs of life last week. Meanwhile, Carolina is still trying to decide between Vinny Testaverde or David Carr. Not fun times for the Panthers and their soon to be ex-coach John Fox.

DETROIT @ MINNESOTA
Hmm, the Vikings have won a few games in a row, including a big, dominating win on the road, while the Lions are freeeeeeeee...free fallin! Also, the Lions are STILL, you know, the Lions. I'll go with the Vikes.

NY JETS @ MIAMI
I'm not sure which is more embarrassing — that the Dolphins are 0-11 or that the Jets are actually underdogs to a 0-11 team. Like everyone else, I like a good underdog story. Well, these two teams are mostly just dogs. I'm looking forward to watching my brother's little league game Saturday morning more than I am this debacle.

ATLANTA @ ST. LOUIS
This game is slightly more interesting if only for the moment when Joey Harrington or Gus Frerotte (or both) do something REALLY stupid. I wonder if there will be any walls for Gus to headbutt. This is another game that will be upstaged by my brother's little league baseball game, but I DO expect it to be more interesting than Jets/Dolphins.

SEATTLE @ PHILADELPHIA
This game just has "Donovan McNabb comes back from injury, stinks up the joint and has a meltdown after being booed because Philly fans are convinced A.J. Feely is a better quarterback" written all over it. They're gonna need a lot of space to write all of that.

CLEVELAND @ ARIZONA
This game has "shootout" written all over it (MUCH shorter than the writing all over Seattle/Philly). Also, how can you not like the Browns and their brown coach Romeo Crennel (who I had fired by now) and their poop-colored jerseys? Seriously though, I like this team.

DENVER @ OAKLAND
It might be a week too late, but I think certified genius Mike Shanahan will finally decide NOT to kick the ball to Devin Hester, and Denver will come out with a victory. On a related note, how mediocre/bad do you have to be till they stop referring to you as a genius, Mr. Shanahan/Mangini/Billick?

NY GIANTS @ CHICAGO
You know the Giants are in trouble when Rex Grossman looks like the steady quarterback coming into this game.

TAMPA BAY @ NEW ORLEANS
It was 2006 all over again with Bruce Gradkowski "leading" the offense to no first downs and 19 yards of total offense in the second half of their "win" over the Redskins following Jeff Garcia's injury. I'll be right back, I have to go massage Jeff Garcia's lower back for 45 minutes so he can play on Sunday.

CINCINNATI @ PITTSBURGH
Even when Carson Palmer has a good fantasy game for me, he throws all three of his TD passes to Chad Johnson — who was on my opponent's fantasy team. So I still lost. Damn! Anyway, I'm not buying this whole "we're competent" act the Bengals put on last week.

NEW ENGLAND @ BALTIMORE
I love how everyone's talking about a "blueprint" to beat the Patriots. Well, fortunately, I work at a newspaper and I have inside info. New England WON last week. But since it's being widely reported otherwise, I expect them to bounce back big from their loss against the Ravens.