Dancing with the Stars: A Doll Finale

Sure, Marie Osmond's wind-up doll routine (pictured, left) was, what the kids would call, a hot mess.

But guess what? It was also pretty much the only memorable dance last night and, for better, or worse, the only one anybody's talking about.

The final performance episode was decidedly a downer, and it was everyone's fault. It was the contestants fault for just not dancing as well as they have in previous weeks (they looked tentative) it was the pro dancer's faults for crafting freestyle routines that weren't good enough (WAY too reliant on lifts), it was the judges fault for coming to their senses and giving appropriate/more realistic scores during the fi-nah-le (as opposed to earlier in the competition) and it's Samantha Harris' fault for still being employed on this show. At least Tom Bergeron didn't do anything wrong, he's still awesome.

Before the freestyle round, the contestants performed a judges' choice dance, and I wish I would've known that things would go downhill following Mel B's show-opening cha cha cha (probably my favorite dance of the night). Although it was rock solid Erica rightly pointed out that Mel seemed a bit nervous, while Carrie Ann correctly pointed out that it wasn't a showstopper.

Things only went downhill when Mel B came out to perform an impressive, but completely disjointed freestyle that featured a cool costume change but was heavy on the lifts and sitting on chairs, and lying on the floor, and not so much on the dancing (well, not for Mel at least, Maks danced great). Let me put on my professorly glasses (that I'm actually already wearing) and play amateur DANCMSTR. Ok class. Lifts should be in a routine to accentuate the dancing, not the other way around. Mel and Maks routine seemed to just sprinkle in some dancing if there was time between lifts.

At least Mel and Maks did their lifts very well. I was glad to hear Carrie Ann call out Helio and Julianne for slightly botching a few of their moves over the overwhelming roar of the standing ovation they almost deserved. Their freestyle was the best of the evening, but this season, that isn't saying much. THIS, is how you do a freestyle.

At least it made up for a subpar jive that was mostly salvaged by Julianne's awesomeness. The jive just doesn't suit Helio (which is probably why those evil judges picked it), and I was glad to see them not be completely dazzled by Julianne's frenetic choreography and fantastic dance moves around Helio to notice that his footwork wasn't very good at all.

Then there's Marie. The judges threw her a samba for her first dance. I think we all remember what happened the last time she danced the samba. This time, she was able to stay upright and delivered an entertaining routine that was a little lacking in technique (I love how the judges just noticed that she's been a little lacking in technique during last night's finale).

Anyway, after a cute little bit during their audition footage in which they spied on Julianne and Helio, I don't think we were prepared for their doll-themed freestyle. Look, Marie was never going to do some upbeat number with a dozen lifts, and I like that she went in a different direction and I love the idea behind the routine, (which HAS been executed brilliantly) But as Bruno said, Marie's freestyle almost defies criticism. It was so dumbfounding that the camera didn't even cut to Donny Osmond standing and applauding because he was probably too confused to either stand or applaud.

Well, they criticized it anyway, digging through the attic and actually whipping out the "7" paddle that hadn't been seen on the show in about three weeks. Even Marie seemed pretty peeved, snapping back at the judges, not once, but twice.

Overall an underwhelming finale to an overall slightly underwhelming season. I mean, even these celebrities and the contestants seem over it.

So what'd you think of the fi-nah-le? Were you a bit let down, as I was? Which Spice Girl do you think is most likely to throw down against Carrie Ann after the judge dismissed their booing by saying, "Okay, Spice Girl!"? Probably not Posh, since Victoria Beckham hasn't show any emotion since — well, ever, as long as I've been watching her. Finally, are there enough doll collectors out there to make Marie the winner? I've got Mel B. winning the whole thing. What about you?