Hell's Kitchen: The Furious Five

And here I was slightly worried the next few episodes would be boring.

I thought that after last week’s double elimination, most of the season’s (incompetent) fat had been trimmed, and that the show’s remaining, relatively-competent chefs wouldn’t be great sources of drama leading up to the finale.

It’s both sad and oddly-comforting to be wrong.

Four out of the five finalists stunk up the dinner service to varying degrees. On top of that, the one person Chef Ramsay did NOT berate last night was Dave (pictured, left), who spent 92% of his screen time acting like a complete dick. (This blog is rated PG-13, in case you didn’t know.) Fun times all around.

In case you’re new to the party, the reason Dave was in such a foul mood was because Tennille changed her mind about nominating Ariel for elimination last week. Dave wanted to nominate Ariel because she was a stronger competitor - not because he actually believed she deserved to be eliminated - and had gotten a reluctant Tennille to agree. In the end, Tennille just couldn’t go through with nominating an undeserving chef for elimination, much to Dave’s chagrin.

In my last recap, I mentioned that I’d considerably soured on Dave, which is a shame because he’s been nothing but a rock star for coking with one good hand. I’m not mad at him because of his shadiness. (It’s a reality show, and he’s using strategery – I get it.) I’m mad at him because he’s acting like an ass simply because someone Tennille to go along with his shady plan (and for not seeing the irony of the situation).

Anyway, once you removed his repeated personal insults at Tennille and his constant complaints about having to be around her (in the kitchen, in the dorms, during their punishment) – not that much actually happened, I suppose.

The week’s challenge had staff from Bon Appetit magazine judging a presentation challenge. The five remaining contestants would prepare a meal, and the top two would be selected based on how the dish was presented. From those two, a winner would be picked based on taste. I like to think that an eye-pleasing and creative presentation can add a lot to a dining experience, so I was interested in seeing this challenge play out.

Since Dave has had more than one icky-looking dish (remember that low-calorie dessert?), I knew he’d be out of the running (he also had trouble actually naming what was on his plate). Meanwhile, Tennille’s fish fell apart right before she was set to plate. Finally, Suzanne is just simply not very good, so I didn’t expect her to make the cut.

That left my long-ago-predetermined finalists Kevin and Ariel as the top two. Their dishes were so close in fact that Ramsay and Bon Appetit editor-in-chief Barbara Fairchild didn’t name a winner, and granted them both the reward, a photo shoot for the two contestants AND for their dishes.

As if last week’s farm punishment wasn’t humiliating enough, the remaining trio was forced to don orange jumpsuits (“I’m not a convict – I’m a chef!” – Tennille) and pick up garbage in a stretch of road "Hell's Kitchen" adopted.

Back at the house, Kevin started playing his own mind games, as he gently suggested that Dave might want to drop out of the competition before he does any long-term damage to his wrist. (That Kevin is such a caring guy.)

Unfortunately, the ill-will and mistrust carried over into the dinner service. From the editing it seemed like most of the contestants were uncommunicative and low-energy toward each other and the task at hand. (It seems Ramsay’s “Yes We Can” chant at the beginning didn’t help.)

It took Tennille about 15 tries before Ramsay realized the reason she kept botching her risotto was because Kevin had overcooked the rice during prep. Maybe Kevin forgot that he overcooked the rice and screwed the kitchen for a while because he was pretty critical of his female teammates later on in the dinner service. (Not the first time we’ve gotten more than a hint of sexism from him.)

Later, Ariel brought some undercooked chicken and gnarly lamb up to the pass. Not to be outdone, Suzanne delivered undercooked fish. (“Hell’s Kitchen” – now nearly poisoning customers for six seasons!) Is it just me or does Ramsay look even more exasperated than usual this season? After walking out of the kitchen last week, he actually seemed ready to cry at one point. Don’t get me wrong, he was still angry, but he also looked defeated.

That being said, the contestants completed their service. That didn’t stop Ramsay from calling it a disaster and asking for two nominees for elimination. Tennille dodged a bullet (Matrix-style!), and Ariel and Suzanne were sent to the chopping block.

Besides this being her fourth time up for elimination (four strikes, you’re out!) it was Suzanne’s time to go simply because she remained as delusional and as me-centric as ever. She’s the one remaining finalist who never took responsibility for her shortcomings. I wish I could say I’ll miss her, but I really won’t. Still, I kind of enjoyed the shot of her sneakily peering around a doorway during her exit package. I also thoroughly enjoyed the fact that I was watching her exit package because it meant she was gone.

So what’d you think of this episode? Can Ariel recover in time to make a push for the finals? Do you agree that Suzanne weirdly looks like former “Hell” inhabitant Matt/Sam the Eagle? (It’s the eyebrows!) Finally, who are you rooting for to make it to the final 3? (I think it’ll be Kevin, Ariel and Dave.)

Dancing with the Stars: The Muppet Show

The men and women performed on separate nights last week, and, overall, the female celebrities were more impressive.

On Monday, all the celebrities performed together for first time on the same night in one insane, Muppet-filled(?!) extravaganza.

Let’s talk about the couples, in order of appearance. (Note: My comments will generally be shorter than usual in reference to the dances being shorter than usual last night.)

Joanna Krupa & Derek: After landing at the top of the leader board last week, I’m afraid I have to give her the Least Improved Dancer award for her overly spastic jive. Then again, all anyone could think during Krupa’s dance was HAIR. (Honestly, she looked like a Thundercat.)

Natalie Coughlin & Alec: Her quickstep was decent, but as soon as we saw that her rehearsal footage was focused on her inability to BREATHE during her dances, we just knew that’s what the judges would focus on. Hopefully, she’ll be a little more relaxed by the third week.

Chuck Lidell & Anna T.: The powerful tango suited Chuck well, but I still thought it was slightly underwhelming. When I heard Anna say she wanted to incorporate MMA moves into this routine I groaned (see, “Kung Fu Fighting” last week), but she actually did it in a subtle way – it was actually so subtle, I missed it. The only thing more confusing than his head tattoo was Anna ripping off Chuck’s jacket to reveal suspenders. Um, ok.

Melissa Joan Hart & Mark: I think I liked the Minnie Mouse jive motif better when Mark did the same thing for Kristi Yamaguchi. Anyway, this was a definite improvement for Melissa, who performed better than she did last week. She still seems slightly uncomfortable, but in an “I’m really trying to get better” way, as opposed to an “I don’t wanna be here” way.

Michael Irvin & Anna D: The judges called him one of the most improved dancers of the night and I would agree with them, except that I didn’t think he was that bad last week. He gets bonus points from me for his “smile-and-thumbs-up” at the camera (pictured, right), at the end of his quickstep. That’s totally something I would do at the end of a dance – if there were a camera on me. I like him ten times more as a dancer than I ever did as an NFL player or analyst.

Debi Mazar & Maks: They produced the most dramatic rehearsal footage of the week with Debi lightly slapping Maks for driving her too hard. That’s just the way Maks is and I like how they both responded. Unfortunately, I liked it more than their inevitable tango to the “Moulin Rouge” version of “Roxanne.” (Erica correctly pointed out that it sounded like “Cookie Monster” was singing – foreshadowing alert!) It just doesn’t seem like Debi is going to get good.

Louie Vito & Chelsie: This was actually one of my favorite performances of the night. He wins the Most Improved Dancer award from me. I thought Louie showed surprisingly good rhythm during the jive. He was so good that I only spent PART of the time wondering why he was wearing that ridiculously-oversized leather jacket (was that Chuck Lidell’s jacket?) The judges ripped him for not being in time with the music a few times, but I thought the performance was absolutely charming. I wish he’d stop with all the flips/tumbling moves – he doesn’t need to do that to entertain people.

Aaron Carter & Karina: It’s kind of easy to see how Maks and Karina were engaged (and eventually broke up) after watching her berate Aaron in almost the exact same way Maks berated Debi. Aaron and Karina (inexplicably accompanied by Muppets Animal and Gonzo) performed a solid quickstep, but three “9”s? Really?! (Aaroon was in green, so I guess he's Kermit.) To be honest, my favorite part of Aaron’s segment was watching bandleader Harold Wheeler’s “acting” when Animal interrupted him at the beginning.

Kelly Osbourne & Louis: The only reason I don’t name Kelly my Least Improved Dancer award is because her problems seem to mostly come from Kelly being WAY too far inside her own head. Of course, this could end up being just as crippling as any technical proficiencies, but I’m betting (hoping ) Kelly can figure it out. Her tango went south quickly after she screwed up a move.

Kathy Ireland & Tony: With Ashley Hamilton and Macy Gray gone, Kathy Ireland is CLEARLY the worst dancer. Even worse, she’s not as interestingly-insane as Macy and we don’t even get any shots of George Hamilton in the crowd thanks to her. What the hell good is she? Even Tony (“I’m trying” when the judges criticized their chemistry-free quickstep) seems at a loss.

Mark Dacascos & Lacey: Pretty solid tango all-around and he deserves credit for a nice recovery after he took a slight stumble to finish VERY strong.. He’s still too (in)tense, but I still get the sense that he’s going to figure it out and make an extended run in this competition.

Mya & Dmitry: Her jive was CLEARLY the best dance of the night (but tied atop the leader board with Aaron). She was the only celeb that looked like she could be a pro dancer out there. The only thing that can stop her is people not voting for her.

Tom DeLay & Cheryl Burke: Once again, the tango suited another non-limber, slow-footed competitor. Things were actually going decently until Tom almost dropped Cheryl on the ground after their dip. When you combine that misstep with his foot injury, I WOULD say that Tom is a candidate to go home – if Kathy Ireland weren’t around.

Donny Osmond & Kym: Are we sure that Kym was wearing a bottom of any kind? Anyway, Donny’s waltz was surprisingly lively and (not-surprisingly) entertaining. The old guy (the rehearsal footage inexplicably focused on his age) did a nice job of keeping up, and I think he’s a contender for the finals.

So what’d you think of this episode? Did you like Baz Luhrmann as Len’s replacement? (To me, he relied too much on giving safe “7”s and was like most guest judges – too scared to be too mean to these people he hardly knows or has hardly seen.) Am I the only one who thinks the judges are overrating Aaron? Finally, who do you think is going home? (I’m sticking with my Kathy Ireland prediction from last week, damnit!)

Heroes: Carnival Atmosphere

Since almost every primetime network show decided to come back last week, I didn’t get around to watching “Heroes” until Monday.

(The fact that the show is a molten hot mess as often as it is good probably also had something to do with me not exactly rushing to check out the season 4 premiere.)

Well I’ve seen “Orientation” and “Jump, Push, Fall” and I’m going to try to sneak my stream of consciousness thoughts online before the new episode airs. (FYI in case anyone cares: I’ll likely have my “Heroes” recaps online Wednesdays after the show airs on G4 because there’s just too much damn TV for me to watch Monday nights.)

Here are my thoughts on the “Redemption” storyline so far and on every major character.

I thought Samuel Sullivan’s monologue at the beginning while burying his brother did a nice job of setting the tone for the season. I’m actually looking forward to the flashback episode (God knows “Heroes” loves a flashback episode!) where we see Joseph and find out the origins of the rest of the Sullivan Bros. Carnial. I’m also thoroughly enjoying Robert Knepper’s charismatic, creepy performance as Samuel. (I’m also thoroughly enjoying his tiny glasses.) Finally, what do we think his power is? He obviously has some sort of telekinesis from the way he moved the dirt over his brother's grave, but does that explain his tattoo-manipulation skills?

Claire: Claire is in college and feeling liberated from not hiding who she is anymore – and I kinda dig it. Her professor reading “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” = randomly funny. Ooh, Facebook reference – current! Ooh, Guitar Hero scene - not quite as current. Ooh, Google reference - nevermind. I thought Rachel Melvin was incredibly effective as new roommate is Annie – she was so good that I’m not surprised someone killed her. Madeline Zima is also good as oddball Gretchen, who probably has a power and who knew Claire from the homecoming massacre in Texas. I was down with the Claire storyline until she stupidly let Gretchen drag her into a murder investigation and accidentally revealed her power.

Hiro and Ando: One of my main complaints last year is that the show no longer appears to have any idea what to do with Hiro – the premiere wasn’t too encouraging from a Hiro standpoint. First we see him and Ando running a “Dial a Hero” business. (Oh brother!) Since when did he use his power for profit? Eventually we got to the meat of his storyline - Hiro is dying from over-using his power. (Whenever Hiro got frozen in time, didn’t it seem like he was buffering?)

He ended up accidentally traveling back in time to the night he first learned he was destined to be a hero. Of course, since there needs to be some sort of dramatic connection to the new season, it just so happened Hiro learned of his destiny from a Sullivan Bros. fortune teller. (Too convenient or WAY too convenient?) Samuel also made a trip to the past (will Hiro become that sick old guy if he keeps using his power?) and tried to convince Hiro to change one thing about the past. In the end, he (literally) pushed him to make it so Hiro’s sister and Ando ended up as a couple in the present. Things are great now, but we all know that won’t end well. I’m also cautiously optimistic that something interesting will happen with Hiro once he hooks up with Samuel and Co. for good.

Tracy: Nothing against Ali Larter, but more than any other actor/actress, this is the one the show just needs to let go. I mean, she’s played Nikki/Jessica, and Tracy (who have all been killed) and there’s still a third triplet out there. Anyway, Tracy is back and looking for revenge on the Building 26 peeps who hunted her. Danko was next on her list, and as soon as Zeljko Ivanek showed up, I knew he wasn’t long for this world. (The same way season 2’s Bob wasn’t long for the world when he made a cameo in the season 3 premiere). I wondered why the writers kept him alive at the end of last year, and they actually did a good job of utilizing Danko to not only wrap up a storyline from last season, but to set up one for Redemption (the compass).

I’m also not completely hating the idea of HRG and Tracy teaming up as a “One of Us/One of Them” partnership. (However, I AM hating the hint of a love connection that we saw.) Speaking of which…

HRG: Noah Bennett is struggling without his family (you can tell because he has almost nothing in his fridge – same as Peter) and seems genuinely remorseful for all he’s lost. You can see he wants “Redemption” too. (I enjoyed seeing him temporarily partnered up with the Haitian too - I seem to recall some sort of ill-advised military coup in Haiti from last season – yikes!) Jack Coleman remains the best actor on the show, and it’s nice to see a character evolving for a change, which brings us to…

Peter: It’s probably bad that I couldn’t immediately remember what power Peter was supposed to have. He’s now working as a paramedic and it was GREAT to see him not being all emo for a change. He’s throwing himself into saving people. I really enjoyed the scene where HRG tried to warn him against being a loser loner. I also kinda loved the really cool fight scene between Peter and super-fast (Daphe’s dead, so we need a new speedster) Edgar, despite the fact that it was a little cheesy.

Nathan: I know it’s been six weeks in the show’s timeline since the memory wipe, but I thought the whole Sylar/Nathan switcheroo would go at least one or two episodes in TV land without a hitch. So far, it’s interesting because Nathan obviously isn’t quite himself, and he instinctively feels a detachment from the people close to him. It’s a detachment the real Nathan fought very hard to ignore. It’s also kind of sad to see Angela desperately trying to push him to be act he was before (not exactly Family Man of the Year.)

Parkman: Can’t really blame Matt for being jealous of the water guy – Janice doesn’t have the best track record in the fidelity department. Visions of Sylar are now haunting Matt. Oh brother! You know, it wouldn’t have been the worst thing in the world for Zachary Quinto to sit out one or two episodes – absence DOES make the heart grow fonder. That being said, Quinto, as usual, is giving us a great, lively performance. Why is Quinto the only one actor on this show who gets to have fun?

Mohinder: Excellent use of Dr. Suresh in this episode. I could get used to this. In all seriousness, though he was referenced as the source of Peter’s new power, I’m sure he’ll end up playing some sort of part in this Volume. (Um, yay?)

So what’d you think of this episode? What do you think Samuel wants with the compass? (Obviously it has something to do with his wrist tattoo.) Who killed Annie? (Do we think Gretchen was involved?) Finally, did the season premiere hold promise for you, are you watching the show out of habit, or are you officially done with “Heroes”? (I’m guessing you wouldn’t be reading this if it’s the last option.)

NFL 2009 Week 3 Picks

After a stellar first week, I came back down to Earth during week 2, (10-6 week, 24-8 season) not unlike like the Dallas Cowboys.

Except that I still had a winning result.

Anyway, let’s get on to the week 3 picks.

WASHINGTON @ DETROIT
There seems to be a buzz in the air that this could be the week Detroit ends its historically-long losing streak. And why not? Washington looked terrible (but won) against a Rams team that might end up being worse than the Lions, and a Redskins backup linebacker insulted the fans via Twitter. On the other hand, Detroit has looked encouragingly-feisty against the Saints and Vikings in the first two weeks.

So why am I picking the Redskins? Because now there’s no way Washington (a superior team) will be caught by surprise. There’s also the little matter of Detroit not having won a game since 2007.

GREEN BAY @ ST. LOUIS
Yes, I know I just said the Rams may be worse than a team that hasn’t won in almost two years, but I kinda like them in their dome against a Packers team that may have the worst offensive line in the league.

SAN FRANCISCO @ MINNESOTA
Man, it’s getting crowded in this 49ers bandwagon. I feel like the thing is going to collapse under its own weight once they go on the road and beat the Vikings this weekend. (I’d feel a little better about Minnesota if their first two wins hadn’t come against Cleveland and Detroit – show me you can beat a good team first.)

ATLANTA @ NEW ENGLAND
There’s panic in New England. (What else is new?) Atlanta has looked VERY good in its first two games, but I still don’t trust that defense too much. What I do trust is Tom Brady and Co’s. ability to shred it on Sunday. I also think the patchwork Pats defense will rise to the occasion. (There’s also a 70% chance this is wishful thinking because both of my fantasy football opponents this week have multiple Falcons.)

TENNESSEE @ N.Y. JETS
This is an epic clash of “one team desperately needs this game” and “wow, this team could be wildly overconfident.” I’d usually go with the desperate team, but I think the Jets’ overconfidence is what fuels them. Also, they’re better.

KANSAS CITY @ PHILADELPHIA
Pretty much every important Eagles’ position player on offense is either doubtful or questionable – and they’ll still roll over the Chiefs. That’s how bad K.C. is.

N.Y GIANTS @ TAMPA BAY
Please don’t make me watch.

CLEVELAND @ BALTIMORE
If I knew any Browns fans, I’d guess their reaction would be similar to my thoughts on the Giants/Bucs game.

JACKSONVILLE @ HOUSTON
I’m done with you Jaguars. I wanted to believe you were good, but you’re not. Not even close.

NEW ORLEANS @ BUFFALO
There may be rain this weekend in Buffalo, so expect Drew Brees to be held to around 300 yards and 3 or 4 TDs.

CHICAGO @ SEATTLE
Nothing against Seneca Wallace (pictured, right), but seeing him under center HAS to bring back horrific memories from last year for Seahawks fans, no?

MIAMI @ SAN DIEGO
Miami impressed me with their performance on Monday Night Football – right up until the part where they chickened out, settled for a field goal and lost the game. I give them one more week.

PITTSBURGH @ CINCINNATI
The Bengals’ D has been surprisingly stingy and they’d be 2-0 if it weren’t for the flukey Brandon Stokley play. True story. Meanwhile, Pittsburgh may very well be 0-2 if, say, Tennessee had won the coin toss in overtime during week 1. True story.

DENVER @ OAKLAND
Denver’s defense has been amazing so far, but you don’t need an amazing defense to slow down JaMarcus “7 Completions last week” Russell. I mean, that’s what good quarterbacks complete in a single drive!

INDIANAPOLIS @ ARIZONA
Should be a shootout, but I’m not betting against Peyton Manning in prime time. Are you?

CAROLINA @ DALLAS
As glorious as it would be, I just don’t see the Cowboys losing the first two games in their luxurious new stadium, especially not with the second being on Monday Night Football.

Project Runway: Movie Madness

I was so disappointed by last night’s results on “Project Runway” that I literally threw my remote control in disgust.

(Full disclosure: I threw it into the soft, waiting arms of our living room recliner. I wanted to make a grand gesture to convey how disgusted I was, but I didn’t want to actually break the damn thing.)

Then again, I suppose that means I’m officially invested in this season.

How else to describe my (faux) over-the-top reaction to what was probably the most infuriating episode in years.

In case you missed it, the challenge for each designer was to create an outfit inspired by one of five film genres (they’re in L.A. now, you now): Action-adventure, science fiction, period piece, film noir and (the apparently/inexplicably dreaded) Western. (Have none of these people seen “Deadwood” or “Firefly”?)

Well it was dreaded by Epperson anyway - who got stuck with the last pick for what seems like the umpteenth time this season – and he and Shirin had no choice but to tackle Western, the genre no one else had picked.

At first, I thought this was going to be a team challenge, but I was happy to see multiple designers tackling the same genres because it would yield different interpretations. (Except in the case of budding showmancers Carol Hannah and Logan, who both made black leather outfits despite having the entire scope of Action-adventure to work with.)

Everyone else (especially Ra’mon and Nicolas with sci-fi) seemed generally excited about the challenge (for a change). Tim came by for his usual consults. Among his nuggets of wisdom, he told Gordana to make the back of her flapper dress lower (she did), he warned Ra’mon that his scaly, alien-inspried outfit (pictured, left) could be sublime or a hot mess (he scrapped it) and he advised Christopher to add sleeves to his Victorian dress to make it more authentic (Christopher did not). When I saw the still-sleeveless dress on the runway, I thought Christopher might be heading for a world of hurt (you don’t ignore Tim’s advice).

Instead, Christopher ended up on the top 3, along with Epperson and Nicolas. It seemed like Christopher was careful to leave “Victorian” out of the description of his dress and concept so the judges couldn’t attack him on the sleeveless front. Instead he inserted the word “vampire” because they’re so hot right now. Nevertheless, I like the look, since it seemed to represent an updating of the “Victorian” concept, rather than a literal interpretation.

That’s actually the same reason I thought Epperson should’ve won. In the middle of the workroom, a light seemed to go on in his head and he realized that “Western” could really mean “period piece”, resulting in a fierce look (holster included) designed for a woman who’s left to manage a farm when her husband goes off to work. (It also resulted in a pseudo-creepy comment from guest judge John Varvatos to model Matar: “You can manage my farm anytime.”)

Then again, the challenge was NOT apparently to make a fashion-forward look based on one of the genres (otherwise Epperson or even Christopher would’ve won) – it was to create a literal, costume-y and slightly tacky interpretation. How else to explain Nicolas’ ice-queen dress taking the top prize? I liked his concept infinitely more than I liked his dress, which the judges even admitted would look better on film than in person. (Silly me for thinking they were supposed to judge what they saw, not what they could hypothetically see.)

Of course, my feelings are probably the result of my intense distaste for Nicolas. He’s always been annoying, but yesterday he actually played the “I’m not here to make friends” card. Ugh. I hate how much screen time the show’s editors are giving this creep. (And, no, dude: you do NOT look sexy no matter how long you stare into that wall mirror and play with your disgustingly-moppy hair.)

End of rant. At least until we get to who was eliminated

The bottom 3 consisted of Ra’mon (no surprise), Gordana (well-made flapper dress, zero-innovation) and Louise (not-as-well-made flapper dress with zero innovation.)

Let’s be clear here – Ra’mon dress was an unmitigated disaster and probably the worst look of the evening. However, the judges (especially sympathetic costume designer Arianne Phillips) acknowledged that he, at least, took a risk, so I figured he’d be safe.

Wrong! Instead, they hung on to Louise, whose dress was described by Zoe Glassner as a “snooze fest” (usually the kiss of death on “Project Runway”), and Gordana who essentially committed the exact same mistake she did last week – well-made dress, hopelessly unoriginal.

I honestly could NOT believe they got rid of Ra’mon. (For the record, I would’ve booted Gordana.) Besides being my Ridiculously early-pick to win it all, he seemed like a talented, exciting designer who had proven himself on the show (he was a previous challenge winner and had made more than one trip to the top 3). On top of that, he was certainly one of the most likable people on the show. I mean, why would producers want to keep a guy like THAT around, right?

(Michael, who is in next week’s previews, and Nina need to come back soon and stop the insanity!)

So what’d you think of this episode? Did Althea’s noir look deserve a place (Nicolas’) in the top 3? Did Ra’mon REALLY deserve to go home? Finally, on a scale of 1-10, how insufferable will Nicolas be next week since he has immunity? (I’m going with 35.)

America's Next Top Recap: Walking Tall

Well that cleared up nothing.

Near the end of this episode, Tyra directly addressed what has been a major criticism for this 5’7” and under cycle of “America’s Next Top Model” – namely the fact that many of the challenges seemed geared toward making the girls look taller. Basically, Tyra reiterated that it is crucial for the petite models to be able to photograph and walk down a runway as if they are bigger than they really are in order for them to survive in the modeling world.

Fair enough. However, what happened to all of the rhetoric from the season premiere about how Tyra was trying to revolutionize the modeling industry and redefine what is considered beautiful? Again, I get what Tyra is saying, but trying to make these short girls look like their taller counterparts is kind of pointless. I mean, if someone wanted to hire a model that looks tall, wouldn’t they just hire someone who’s actually tall, rather than someone who has to place their leg in a certain place or elongate their neck at a certain angle? By trying to make these girls like everyone else, it seems like Tyra is homogenizing rather than revolutionizing. Oh well.

I spent two decent-sized paragraphs on that topic because nothing much really happened in this episode.

The girls got their annual runway walking lesson from Miss J and what appeared to be a Mini-J (pictured, right. It turns out that was pint-size runway extraordinaire Diva Davanna). None of the girls really had a disastrous walk (too bad for us at home). Lulu stubbornly (and inexplicably) refused to alter her short-step approach, while Miss J admired Brittany’s sexy walk.

I don’t know if Lulu saw the footage of Miss J’s compliment or not, but she and Ashley spent WAY too much of this episode criticizing basically every aspect of Brittany. From the editing, it played out like a sequel to “Mean Girls” with Ashley starring as the Queen Bee, and Lulu playing a combination of all the sidekicks.

But they weren’t done there. The two later turned their attention on Bianca, speaking derisively about her behind her back. Obviously, I’m no Bianca fan, but the whole thing was so off-putting that it almost made me feel bad for her. (Emphasis on ALMOST.) Fortunately, Bianca found an ally of sorts in Nicole, who disapproved of the Mean Girls’ gossiping ways and actually got Bianca to open up about why she’s so harsh with people. I wouldn’t exactly say I like Bianca now (in fact, I still strongly dislike her), but I would definitely say I like Nicole a LOT more for not other reason that she’s a free thinker.

The week’s challenge paired our petites with 5’10” models side-by-side during a runway show. Again, there was nothing much to report here. Pretty much all of the girls acquitted themselves nicely, except for Lulu who had very low-energy showing (it was painfully obvious she was going home last night). It was also here that I really noticed that, although Sundai is a very sweet and likable girl, she’s absolutely not a runway model. Sorry. Brittany won the challenge and brought Wal-Mart aisle walker Laura (second shout-out in a row for Wal-Mart) and Kara along for a photo shoot.

The week’s photo shoot was also pretty generic. Basically the girls were sent to an artfully shabby basement and tasked with using the props around the set to make themselves look tall.

Though Kara’s picture was hot like fire and deserved the win, if the challenge was to make oneself look taller, I would’ve given the prize to Nicole (who looked about eight feet tall). I also thought Erin’s photo was pretty strong, as was Jennifer’s. The rest of the girls were somewhat unremarkable with the worst pictures coming courtesy of Brittany (she looked pretty, but unfortunately managed to make herself look four feet tall), and Lulu who showed little imagination and spark in her picture.

Those two ended up on the chopping block and Tyra kicked out Lulu. (After all, Brittany was at least “smizing” in her photo – I knew we hadn’t heard the last of that.) Either way, Lulu is gone and Ashley is now left to criticize people without the benefit of having an overeager sycophant to agree with her harsh critiques.

So what’d you think of this episode? Did anyone else think guest judge Jaime Rishar was terrific and should become a permanent part of panel? (She gave helpful and specific advice to her fellow petites.) Could Laura be any (unintentionally) funnier? Finally, do you agree with what Tyra is trying to do with these girls, or are you a little let down with the direction this cycle has taken?

Hell's Kitchen: A Perfect Tennille

It was Tennille’s world and we were all just living in it.

The first half of Tuesday night’s two-hour extravaganza was dominated by classic Tennille moments. The way she talks may still be annoying, but the outrageous stuff she says makes up for it.

Here are some of the highlights: “I don’t know what half this s--- is! Whatever I put on a plate is going to taste good!” This came after she presented venison as lamb (more on this later). She went on to misidentify goats as sheep, said “You British bastard, calm down for a second” during dinner service (they all must be thinking that). My personal favorite was a throwaway moment when Sabrina criticized her menu contribution: “Go f--- yourself, you don’t like my Asian salad.” (I’m going to try and work this one into everyday conversation.)

The latter hour was even more impressive for Tennille as she displayed impressive cooking skills (the best Ramsay has seen anyone cook meat in HK) and (gasp!) integrity.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Maybe it’s because the show hasn’t been on for two weeks, but the early continuation of “Hell’s Kitchen” seemed overly harsh to me.

I’m talking about the rough, expletive-filled reception the men (led by Kevin) gave new blue team member Suzanne. (Then again, every conversation on “Hell’s Kitchen” is expletive-filled, so maybe it was business as usual.) I mean, we all knew Suzanne (to put it mildly) wasn’t well-regarded by the red team (that was an actual happy dance from Tennille), but I hadn’t realized the blue team was also privy to her soul-sucking, me-first attitude.

Still, it seemed kinda harsh. (Especially given how quiet and cooperative she turned out to be with her new teammates this week.) Then, of course, I watched the second episode, and I remembered why Suzanne is so hateable.

This week’s challenge: cook three entrées using 15 ingredients native to Whistler, British Columbia without using any of them more than once before Ramsay “returned” from Canada. (How do we know he wasn’t really hanging out in his office doing a Sudoku puzzle and the Whistler segment wasn’t pre-taped?)

The blue team seemed to settle on their dishes quickly, while Ariel and Tennille seemed perfectly content to entirely ignore Sabrina, probably due to her recent poor performances. Sabrina’s brilliant revenge was to her teammates (and her team – and HERSELF) go down by not correcting them when they both thought the venison was lamb.

I WILL give Sabrina credit. Her brilliant plan to sabotage her team (and herself) worked perfectly. Watching Tennille stumble to explain away her dish was painful, even if she still scored the two points from guest judges/Olympians Sasha (Not Baron) Cohen and a surprisingly prickly Jonny Moseley. Before that Kevin had taken two points in his faceoff against Ariel (possible finale preview?) so it all came down to Van vs. Sabrina.

Despite the fact that Van blanked out during his presentation (Sabrina helped him get going, but she wouldn’t help her own team win?!), the men won and earned the right to eat some high-end grilled cheese sandwiches. The women had to stay and work on a farm, leading to a surprisingly restrained segment dealing with manure and the revelation of Ariel’s phobia of pigs.

For the dinner service, both teams would create original menus. Once again, the blue team worked together like gangbusters, while the women struggled. This time it was Tennille who couldn’t seem to get any of her suggestions included (to be fair, I wouldn’t want to eat a “decomposed” anything either), but somehow it was Sabrina who ended up not having much on the menu.

Ariel struggled for the red team by constantly undercooking her pork. Ramsay chided her for not being pissed off, but I actually admired her low-key reaction. (“I’m not going to lose my s--- on the line.”) On the blue side, Van struggled with scallops and math before moving on to butchering the halibut (despite constantly saying that fish was his specialty). Eventually, Sabrina couldn’t cook halibut in the red kitchen either, Dave had a mini-scare with his injured wrist, and Chef Ramsay pounded one of Van’s halibut’s with his hands, making it explode all over Kevin and Dave. You can probably guess the kitchen was shut down shortly thereafter.

Ramsay asked for two nominees and Van tried to get his blue teammates to put new girl Suzanne on the chopping block. It didn’t work and he wound up there with Sabrina, who was sent home after barely avoiding elimination several times. It was nice to see Van passionately defend himself because it looked like he had mentally checked out of the competition. I also enjoyed seeing the episode 1 shots of a ridiculously dolled up Sabrina (just, why?) in contrast with the weary chef leaving HK that night.

Episode II began with the arrival of the white and black coats symbolizing the merging of the two teams. We also got, what I think is, one of the more creative and challenging, um, challenges in HK – Taste it and make it.

The chefs had to recreate the four main components (entrée, garnish, puree and sauce) in one of Ramsay’s dish simply by tasting a sample (or performing an “autopsy on the plate,” as Dave beautifully put it). The chefs were split in teams of two and it seemed like pretty much everyone (or at least Tennille) wanted to be partnered with Kevin (confirming his overwhelming front-runner status). The teams ended up being Ariel and Van, Tennille and Kevin, and Suzanne and Dave.

Every team guessed the right fish and garnish (unfortunately, Kevin forgot to actually include the calamari, eliminating his team). It came down to Suzanne and Dave, and Ariel and Van (even if Van had dropped his fish right before it was to be served and had to cook a replacement quickly – I thought he was supposed to be good with fish). Dave ended up getting the victory for he and Suzanne by guessing that the citrus sauce was made with passion fruit, but it seemed like Suzanne enjoyed taking a little too much of the credit. Their reward was a meal with season 4 winner Christina, who got her brain picked by Suzanne who may or may not have had a girl-crush on her. (“Christina and I are very similar.” The key difference is that Christina was likable.

It was couple’s night during the dinner service. Really, it was just another excuse to get Kevin out of the kitchen (he was handling tableside orders in the dining room) and watching the rest of these fools flounder.

Suzanne messed up the tortellini count. Van tried to pre-sear the sea bass and he was sweating in the food. (Ooh, salty.) Tennille took charge (Ramsay said it was “the person I least expected” – backhanded compliment alert!). However, Van still couldn’t get his stuff straight, and when everyone was watching Ramsay have a mini-meltdown, Ariel accidentally burned lettuce to a crisp in a pan (Ewww). Ramsay had enough and walked out.

The rest of the team seemed to rally and got back to work - well, everyone except for Susan, who was wary of some sort of mind game and didn’t want to “sign off” on any dish without Ramsay around. At least she’s consistent – even when Ramsay’s not around she’s all about covering her own ass.

When Ramsay returned, he sent Van, Ariel and Suzanne upstairs, leaving Kevin, Dave and Tennille to finish the service and nominate to chefs for elimination. Everyone agreed on Suzanne, but Dave unveiled a ruthless and sneaky side under the aw-shucks drawl by suggesting (and convincing) his buddies to put Ariel on the chopping block.

That is until Ramsay asked Tennille what she really thought and she just couldn’t go through with throwing her teammate and the more talented chef under the bus.

There were many reasons for Tennille to tell the truth. Tennille seems to believe in her own skills and she probably thinks she can beat Ariel straight on (even if she probably can’t). There’s also the fact that, knowing the history of this show, Ramsay would’ve probably called Van forward and kicked him out regardless of who was nominated. In the end, I simply think Tennille told the truth because it was the right thing to do.

On the other side, Dave lost some points with me by getting pissed at Tennille for “blindsiding” him by not going along with his devious and unfair scheme.

In the end, the show pulled off a nice fakeout by playing the elimination music when Ramsay called Ariel’s name and she stepped forward. However, Van ended up being the one sent home. Let’s be honest here: he was never going to be the head chef at the Araxi, and he WAS kind of a “dumbo” (in Ramsay’s words), but he gave us more than his fair share of entertaining moments.

So what’d you think of this episode? Was Ramsay cold or just being his usual excitable/jumpy self when he filmed that segment in Canada? Wasn’t it a little odd when Ramsay scolded the men for laughing at the women’s misfortune during the first hour? (Since when does he discourage immature behavior?) Where did Ramsay and Chef Scott go when they walked out? Finally, with Ariel now shaky, do you see Dave or (WOW) Tennille joining Kevin in the finals?

Dancing with the Stars: Hough Stuff

We got the guys out of the way on Monday, and on Tuesday the ladies took center stage on the dance floor.

As in my last recap, I’m just going to give you my freestyle thoughts on Tuesday’s performances (in order of appearance) as they pop into my head.

Debi Mazar & Maks: The “Graffiti Rock” clip was kinda classic, (in a tragic way) which begs the question: what’s “Graffiti Rock”? In saying that dancing is not a democracy, Maks had to stop short of saying “you have to do what I say to do well” because he can’t say “you have to do what I say to win” – since he’s never won this show. I predict their rehearsal footage will be consistently more entertaining than their dancing. Debi was surprisingly dainty during the salsa and unsurprisingly clunky. Nice to see Bruno get his semi-creepy cleavage comment to a female celeb out of the way with the first dancer.

Melissa Joan Hart & Mark: Why is he Mark Ballas JR. now? Mark being a big “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” fan probably made Melissa feel old, which, in turn, made me feel old when I think about Sabrina being an adult in her 30’s. If nothing else Melissa’s acting during the Viennese waltz is excellent. Her dancing so far – considerably less so. I think she can improve though. Not enough to win, but she can improve.

Mya & Dmitry: Nice self-awareness from Dmitri. (“I’m not afraid to show off my chest.”) It’s also nice to see a female celeb openly crushing on their pro for a change instead of the other way around. Lovely waltz, but not hold-y enough for Len, who didn’t even like the three bars in which they WERE in hold. I don’t agree with Len’s assessment (really? A ‘5’?!), and I also don’t agree that Dmitri let her down. (He can never let her down.) Nice turn by Tom on the “Have YOU been to three bars?” joke.

Kathy Ireland & Tony: Apparently models aren’t coordinated and a few weeks ago I learned on “Project Runway” that they don’t necessarily know too much about fashion. What the hell good are they?! I felt like I was watching their salsa at half speed. WAY too tentative. I don’t see her lasting very long. Finally, it turns out that when Kathy Ireland “lets herself go” she kinda looks like Rebecca Romijn.

Natalie Coughlin & Alec: I REALLY hope there was a mat on the floor when Natalie did her dive for the Matrix-y intro. She probably has the most intense facial expression (when she’s concentrating) I’ve ever seen. (Biting her lip to the point that she bleeds while she’s swimming – yikes.) Pretty impressive salsa from a technical standpoint and I think eventually she’ll get used to performing and get smoother. I love the professional athlete’s drive to excel at everything they do. Len brought up the valid point that none of the salsas so far have been HOT.

Macy Gray & Jonathan: I kinda love that she doesn’t appear to have any idea how funny she is. (See: her “ladylike” walk and her, “What?!” reaction when Jonathan told her that they’d be doing the Viennese waltz.) I didn’t think it was possible to do a sassy (and classy) Viennese waltz, but I believe that’s what we just got. Fortunately, the judges found it as compelling as I did. Bruno actually nailed it when he said that she looked like a child experiencing the world for the first time (and he didn’t mean it as an insult). She’s got the potential to win over a lot of people and stick around for a while. The only thing better than the censoring of Macy’s “I feel like I busted my cherry” was Tony Dovolani’s surprised/embarrassed reaction in the background. (Thank you, DVR.)

Joanna Krupa & Derek (pictured, right): I know he laughed, but I think Derek really SHOULD introduce himself by saying, “I’m rough, I’m tough, I’m Derek Hough.” (Derek is awesome.) This is a couple to watch. She had more hip action in her opening move than most celebs did in their entire salsas. Very impressive performance and this couple WILL definitely compete for the title. I repeat – Derek is awesome. (And Joanna is appropriately thrilled to have him as a partner.)

Kelly Osbourne & Louis: I’m surprised they went to the “Ozzie and Sharon” well this early. (Surprised and kinda happy – I hope we go back there.) I don’t know why I’m so surprised that Kelly’s waltz was so lovely, airy and delightful, but I am. (Pleasantly surprised!) I think she can do some things in this competition. (As long as she keeps her feet on the ground from here on out). Len summed it up perfectly – it was the best Viennese waltz of the night. I just hope she hasn’t peaked.

Foxtrot Relay: I agreed with the judges’ ranking: 1. Joanna 2. Natalie 3. Debi 4. Kathy.

Natalie (good dancing, but her segment was kinda dominated by her angry face) started first and was followed by Kathy (nice work out of her – she’s much-better suited for the foxtrot), Joanna (a little forceful, but still the best overall – I wonder if she can NOT do smoldering), and Debi (still a tentative, un-smooth performance but she did well with the performance aspect.)

Cha cha cha Relay: The judges ranked them 1. Mya 2. Kelly 3. Melissa 4. Macy. Personally, I would’ve switched Kelly and Melissa’s rankings.

Macy (kinda reminded me of my mom when she decides to dance at a party – can’t decide if that’s a good thing) started things off followed by Melissa (solid and still very enthusiastic and willing, but the natural dance talent just isn’t there), Mya (dominating the competition with her sharpness) and Kelly (she had negative hip action – hopefully Louis will help her with this before the Latin dances kill her.)

So what’d you think of this episode? Did you enjoy the male celeb’s performances or the ladies’? (Um, advantage WOMEN!) Finally, which female celebrity do you think will go home? (Unfortunately, I don’t think Kathy Ireland is long for this world.)

Dancing with the Stars: Male Time!

“Dancing with the Stars” is back with its biggest season (16 contestants!), and biggest “Star” ever. (Tom DeLay, according to Tom BerGeron – um, ok.)

There’s a lot to get to this week (three nights of “DWTS”, two eliminations, one Patrick Swayze tribute), so let’s jump right into my stream of consciousness thoughts on the first night of dancing, featuring the male celebrities and a new wrinkle – team relay performances.

Aaron Carter & Karina: The most naturally gifted dancer of the bunch. Imagine how good he’ll be when he stops ogling Karina. He’d be pretty much unstoppable if he didn’t give off that Aaron Carter-esque whiff of douche (Eau de douche) before, during and after his cha cha cha. (I also thought it was an interesting choice by Karina to wear a boa as a shirt.) Anyway, he acquitted himself VERY nicely during the Waltz Relay (which he CLEARLY dominated) and he’s very deserving of the top spot on the leaderboard.

Chuck Lidell & Anna T: He’s like a slightly more genial Lawrence Taylor in that “how the hell did I get here way?” way. At least Chuck doesn’t look like he can’t wait to run off and play golf immediately after the judges give him their score. His foxtrot was pretty brutal (but in a charming way, if that’s possible). Also charming – the way he actually seems a little intimidated by Anna Trebunskaya. Finally, I was pleasantly surprised to see him bring joy and fun (and a little hip action) to his Salsa Relay.

Mark Decascos & Lacey: He’s the wild card of the season for me. He’ll either channel all his awesome athletic skill and charisma and possibly make it to the finals, or he’ll struggle like he did last night from the lack of technique and ease that comes from just not being a natural dancer (Carrie Ann pointed out the “wa-choo” arms) and he’ll be out in four or five weeks. Doing the martial arts-themed “Kung Fu Fighting” cha cha cha (complete with Chinese characters on the dance floor) seemed like a mistake at first and it appeared like Lacey was letting her celeb hijack a routine (like she did with Lance Bass and Steve-O). However, by getting the obligatory gimmick out of the way early (you KNEW they were going to do it sometime) they don’t run the risk of being eliminated around week 4 because of a low score from the gimmick-hating judges (mostly Len).

Ashley Hamilton & Edyta: Kind of a giant waste of that Mika’s “Grace Kelly.” (Definitely in the Top 10 for awful renditions by the Harold Wheeler band – and that’s saying something.) Edyta previously danced with Ashley’s dad George, and it seems like she’s finally been out-tanned. Oh yeah, the dancing – Ashley’s foxtrot was DEFINITELY the worst performance last night and I think he’ll go home Wednesday.

Donny Osmond & Kym (pictured, left): I think Donny can now play Billy Flynn in “Chicago” whenever he wants. Random shot of the evening: Jermaine Jackson hanging out with Marie Osmond. (Um, ok.) As for his “All That Jazz” foxtrot, I thought it was better than the judges (who focused on the dance’s “theatricality”) gave him credit for. Marie dared him to do better than she did – I think he’s got a very nice chance. They might even let him back into Utah if he wins.

Louie Vito & Chelsie: Plodding, but I love that paint thinner couldn’t remove the smile plastered on his face. Len’s comment about the hair may have been his fuddy-duddiest. What do you want to bet he permanently becomes known as the “Snowboarding Hobbitt”? He and Chelsie have an outside chance of becoming the poor man’s Apolo and Julianne. (A VERY outside chance.)

Michael & Anna D.: He may be taking his rivalry with Jerry Rice a little far. I wonder if/hope he’ll continue to compare himself to what Jerry Rice did (“Jerry got a 21 on his cha cha cha.”) I don’t remember Jerry’s cha cha cha, but I can’t imagine it was as oddly effeminate as Michael’s. That being said, he didn’t deserve two “4”s! The judges were way too hard on him, so it was nice to see him bounce back in the Waltz Relay. I like this couple and I hope new pro Anna will step her game up and give the Playmaker something to do.

Tom DeLay & Cheryl: Well, Cheryl had Gilles last season (possibly the best dancer this show has ever seen), so I guess this is only fair. Tom got the “going left” political/"Zoolander" joke out of the way early. I REALLY hope that’s not what I look like when I lip-synch while dancing. As for the dancing – surprisingly good, when he wasn’t unnecessarily shaking his ass to show us (in a contrived way) what a “Wild Thing” the former House Majority Leader is.

Salsa Relay: The way the relays worked is that four of the couples would dance and the judges would rank them first through fourth, with the top couple receiving 10 points, the next couple getting 8, and so on.

The judges ranked them 1. Donny, 2. Louie, 3. Chuck and 4. Ashley. I had it Donny, Chuck (he truly was a delightful revelation), Louie (not that impressed by the tumbling) and…………………Ashley.

Waltz Relay: I agreed with the judges' rankings here: Aaron, Mark, Michael and Tom (though Michael and Tom were closer than I expected).

The waltz was notable mostly thanks to Aaron delivering what was probably the best dancing of the evening. I think he, Donny and Mark have potential to be finalists. I’m curious to see how many women fit that bill after Tuesday night.

So what’d you think of this episode? How funny was it when, after Tom DeLay’s cha cha, Samantha threw it back to Tom, but the show went to commercial instead? (I’ve oddly missed her unique brand of incompetence.) Did you enjoy the "Matrix"-y camera effect during the intros? How long did Bruno have that, “You’re crazier than Sarah Palin” joke tucked in his back pocket? (I say two minutes after it was announced DeLay would be on the show.) Finally, who do you think should go home? (In case I haven’t been clear, I think it should be Ashley. It’s terrific that he’s out of the wheelchair, but he kinda needs to go.)

John's Emmy 2009 Diary

It's been more than a year since I've done a diary.

I think it's time we change that. I'm home tonight, there's an awards show on, and I've wrestled the laptop away from my girlfriend Erica. Let's see if I've still got it as I check out the 2009 Emmy Awards.

0:01: Not even a, “Hi” from host Neil Patrick Harris – just straight into a musical number. Hopefully, this means they’ll keep this show under three hours.

0:03: A have to admit, this song got off to a bit of a slow start for me, but rapid fire jokes about Paula Abdul, and crushing on Christina Hendricks and Jon Hamm won me back.

0:05: His bit about shows not having theme songs anymore is funny because it’s the kind of thing we’ve all talked about with our friends. (Or is that just me?)

0:06: Congratulations! If you had “six minutes” in the “first Kanye joke of the evening” pool, you win!

0:08: I’m not sure we needed a montage about the year in comedy since we all pretty much have our favorites and I’m not sure a random selection of scenes is going to make us start watching a show we’ve never seen, but we’re getting one anyway.

0:10: Liz Lemon and Dr. Drew Baird present the first award of the evening: Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy. Unfortunately, even Tina Fey and Jon Hamm can’t entirely sell the lame presenter chatter.

0:12: The nominees are doing a much better job selling the “Completely Random Eyewear” bit, with Vanessa L. Williams (in “Ugly Betty” character)adding the exclamation point by refusing the play along.

0:13: Announcer John Hodgman (“And I’m a P.C.”) informs us that winner Kristin Chenoweth would’ve become a private eye if she hadn’t become an actress. Her thrilled reaction and completely charming speech (“I want to be on ‘Mad Men’”) make up for the fact that I would’ve preferred for Jane Krakoski, Kristin Wiig or Williams to win. Congratulations, Ms. Chenoweth!

0:14: Mystery solved. The eyewear thing was Amy Poehler’s idea.

0:21: Oh great! Now it’s entirely possible (meaning EXTREMELY likely) that Hodgman was making up the private eye thing about Chenoweth since he just admitted he’ll be making up facts about each nominee.

0:22: The cast of “How I Met Your Mother” (they got that plug out of the way early) is here to present the “Best Writing for a Comedy Series” award to “30 Rock.”

0:23: By the way, I wrote the previous entry before “30 Rock” won. I swear! Also, it’s official. Hodgman is making up all the tidbits about the winners. Another thing is official: I’m unbelievably gullible for believing that Kristin Chenoweth/private eye thing. (I guess I wanted it to be true.)

0:24: I’m not sure how current a Harlem Globetrotters joke is, but Harris kinda saved it by making fun of how lame it was.

0:25: Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Amy Poehler come out to present Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy. With Jeremy Piven out of the way, it’s gonna be Neil Patrick Harris, right?! Nice job by Harris of finding a seat in the audience and sitting there when his name was called as a nominee.

0:26: Kevin Dillon did an even worse job of hiding his disappointment that Jon Cryer won for “Two and a Half Men” than I did. He looked pretty sad. Cryer is a nice, funny guy, but I would’ve taken pretty much every other nominee over him, as well as several people who weren’t nominated (Ed Helms, John Krasinski, Jason Segel, Jeremy Piven, etc.)

0:33: As sad as it is, Harris’ loss should give him plenty of comedic ammo for the rest of the evening. He introduces the “omni-talented” Justin Timberlake.

0:34: JT’s here to present Best Actress in a Comedy Series. I’m not sure I love that they’re getting all the comedy categories out of the way first (comedy matters, damnit!) but it’s making the first half of this show interesting. On a related note, is there any way Fey doesn’t win again?

0:35: Sarah Silverman doesn’t get the memo that she’s up for Best Actress and not Best Supporting Actress and wears a fake mustache. JT makes a nice, spontaneous joke about hormones (it’s almost not fair that this guy is really funny too) and Toni Collette wins in a mini-upset!

0:38: Harris is interviewing Cryer in the press area and Cryer is gamely playing along. I knew he’d milk the loss and this is good stuff.

0:39: The “Gossip Girl”s come out to tell us who won the “Best Guest Actor and Actress in a Comedy Series” awards last week.

0:40: The Kanye joke count is now at 2, thanks to Timberlake, who won for Guest Actor in a Comedy thanks to his SNL hosting gig. Fey won the Guest Actress award for her extended Sarah Palin impression on SNL.

0:42: As bizarre as the pre-taped bits for the “Best Director in a Comedy Series” nominees are, I like that they prepared a little something to liven the category up. Why should the nominees for “Best Writing for a Variety, Music, or Comedy Series” get to have all the fun? By the way, “The Office” wins the directing award. Yay!

0:49: I thought I was the only one who remembered (laughing at) Rob Lowe’s failed “drama” series, “Dr. Vegas.” Apparently, Rob Lowe remembers too. He’s here to present Best Actor in a Comedy Series. My heart says Steve Carell or Jemaine Clement, but my head tells me it’s going to be Alec Baldwin.

0:51: Baldwin is VERY funny, but damnit - Steve Carell needs to win an Emmy for playing Michael Scott before it’s all said and done. He just HAS to. Baldwin’s solid, heartfelt speech dedicated mostly to Lorne Michaels helps takes the sting off. A little. Very little.

0:54: Not sure why they played a violent (and mostly unfunny) “Family Guy” bit right before telling us we were moving to reality show awards, but here we are anyway. As far as the comedy categories were concerned, I was happy to see the prizes spread out a bit – it’s a nice change from the “30 Rock” monopoly.

0:55: It’s probably bad that I’m finding this montage of reality shows more entertaining than the comedy one. It’s just that people on reality shows are more bat s--- crazy – and I like that.

0:56: Maksim Chmekorvskiy and Karina Smirnoff are performing together. They’re pros, so I’m expecting zero awkwardness stemming from the fact that they recently broke off their engagement. In a related story, is it sad that I did NOT have to look up how to spell their names on Google? (I say it is.)

0:57: Some dancers from “So You Think You Can Dance” come out, and they eventually are joined by the “Dancing with the Stars” pros. I watch both shows, I love both shows, but I was pretty underwhelmed. I would’ve preferred an all-out dance battle.

0:59: Hayden Panettiere and Neil Patrick Harris-nemesis Jon Cryer present the Best Reality Show Emmy to Jeff Probst. He’s won this award every year that it’s existed (which is only two): how long until they rename it the “Jeff Probst Award”? (I’m surprised they haven’t renamed the Best Reality Show Award, “The Amazing Race Award.”)

1:07: Present Tracy Morgan does nothing to quiet the haters who say he doesn’t really “act” on “30 Rock” as he loopily presents the nominees for “The Amazing Race Award.” (You can probably guess who won.)

1:09: Now we’re getting the TV Movies and Miniseries awards, and I’m getting a snack from the kitchen. (Sorry, but I’m too poor for HBO, which is the network that usually dominates these things.) I have to say - I felt more prestigious just watching that montage.

1:12: Husband-and-wife team Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick come out to present Best Supporting Actor and Actress in a TV Movie or Miniseries. Shoreh Agdashloo wins Supporting Actress, which absolutely delights me because I kinda had a crush on her during season 4 of “24.” She needs to be back on a channel I can afford! Ken Howard wins Supporting Actor for “Grey Gardens.” I have a feeling this won’t be the last time “Grey Gardens” wins. (It’s the one miniseries I’ve heard of, so it HAS to be good.)

1:15: You expect Justin Timberlake to make a Kanye joke, but Ken Howard?! Well done, sir! We’re up to three if you’re scoring at home (and I obviously am).

1:22: Chandra Wilson and Kate Walsh (my two favorite parts of “Grey’s Anatomy” from back when I still cared about that show) are out to present Best Actor in a TV Movie or Miniseries. Brendan Gleeson (a great actor) wins for a movie I’ve never heard of (“Into the Storm” for the record) and gives a touching speech about his wife and mom.

1:25: I’m thinking they should probably ditch the rest of this “Best Seat in the House” gig. It’s just not working. “Ghost Whisperer” Jennifer Love-Hewitt and “Medium” Patricia Arquette come out to present Best Writing and Directing for a TV Movie or Miniseries” to “Little Dorrit”, which wins both prizes. But they already knew that.

1:30: The show is (ideally) halfway over. I just wanted to say hello and (figuratively) pat you on the back for making it this far. Also, you must have A LOT of time on your hands.

1:31: I saw “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-along blog” for the first time last week. I thought I was WAY late to the party, but judging from this “Dr. Horrible” spoof happening on my screen it seems I’m right on time!

1:33: Question: If we all agree that the accounting portion of award shows is boring and a waste of time, why do we keep trying to come up with clever ways of making that time more palatable? Why not just get rid of it altogether? (It HAS to be in some contract somewhere that we have to see these accountants at some point.)

1:34: Alec Baldwin presents “Grey Gardens” star Jessica Lange with the Emmy for Best Actress in a TV Movie or Miniseries. I thought Drew Barrymore would win, but at least we saw a quick shot of Justin Long next to her. (The show is showing remarkable restraint by not going to the “I’m a Mac, I’m a PC” well.)

1:42: Erica (welcome to the diary!) points out that Kiefer Sutherland peeked at co-presenter Anna Torv’s breasts. We’re not mad at him – they were pretty out there, and he simply got busted. By the way, “Grey Gardens” wins for Best TV Movie.

1:44: Erica brings up an interesting point. How can something on HBO win for Best TV Movie? Shouldn’t the slogan, “It’s not TV, it’s HBO” automatically disqualify them from winning? While I was being an idiot just now, “Little Dorrit” won Best Miniseries. The awards for Variety, Music and Comedy programs are up next.

1:51: Oh those silly directors and their “comedy.” Anyway, the writers are here to show them how to do a silly and irreverent Emmy nomination thing. Conan’s team takes the prize for its Facebook/ignoring friend requests bit.

1:55: However, “The Daily Show” wins the writing Emmy (again), while “American Idol” wins the directing award.

2:02: Jimmy Fallon is doing a weird and funny Auto-Tune bit before he falls down (on purpose). I love how much Steve Carell is enjoying this. (Great, I’m getting mad again because Carell didn’t win.)

2:03: Fallon’s here to present Best Original Music and Lyrics – I believe this is the first time this award has made it on TV. Smart move.

2:05: I thought “Motherlover” was a lock, but the catchy-sounding “Team from the 81st Annual Academy Awards” takes the prize in one of the night’s few upsets. Nice speech by the leader of the “Team” (and bearded Joaquin Phoenix lookalike) acknowledging the fact that organizers probably thought Justin Timberlake would win instead of them.

2:08: Ricky Gervais is back again doing his thing – taking up a little too much time and making fun of Steve Carell while making us not care because he’s VERY funny. He presents the “Best Variety, Musical or Comedy Series” award to (gasp!) “The Daily Show.”

2:16: The stuff I said about the accountants – ditto for the president of the academy. Let’s just ditch him altogether!

2:20: I kinda loved how LL Cool J didn’t even try to sell Chris O’Donnell’s lame presenter joke. The pair is out to give out Best Supporting Actor and Actress in a Drama Series.

2:21: I literally pumped my fist and yelled, “Yes!” when Michael Emerson of “Lost” won! I repeat – YES!

2:22: I love “24” and I thought Cherry Jones was good, but, really? I hate “Grey’s Anatomy”, but Oh and Wilson deserve that trophy.

2:23: I didn’t call Sarah McLachlan “The Songstress of Sad” – Erica did. She’s out to sing during the In Memoriam portion of the evening. Thankfully they’re staying away from the swooping camera shots that plagued Queen Latifah’s In Memoriam performance during the Oscars and made it hard to see the people being honored. Let’s see who gets the loudest applause.

2:25: I had Natasha Richardson in the lead (just an awful shame). Then Bea Arthur came and took a commanding lead. Paul Newman is making a strong push, but I think Arthur’s applause is still the loudest. Michael Jackson, Patrick Swayze and Walter Cronkite also get nice ovations. The point is that we lost a lot of wonderfully-talented people this past year. Too bad.

2:32: Stephen Moyer and David Boreanaz introduce Guest Actor and Actress in a Drama winners Michael J. Fox and Ellen Burstyn, who turn around and present Best Directing in a Drama Series to “ER” and Best Writing in a Drama Series to “Mad Men.” “Mad” creator Matthew Weiner smartly hedged his bets by getting himself nominated in four out of the five slots.

2:39: Simon Baker comes out to present Best Actress in a Drama Series. I know the Emmys love Mariska Hargitay, and the rest of the nominees are super-duper-stars, but go Elisabeth Moss!

2:41: Glenn Close is still the biggest, most imposing star of the bunch and wins again. It also helps that she’s REALLY good.

2:48: Dana Delany is out to present Best Actor in a Drama Series. No offense to Dana Delany (I think she’s great and underused on “Desperate Housewives”), but weren’t any of the more famous “Housewives” available?

2:50: You can’t really say it’s an upset if this is the second year in a row that Bryan Cranston has won over his buzzier competitors. I’ve never seen “Breaking Bad”, but I’ve heard great things about it. Good for him. However, I’d still like to see Hugh Laurie win an Emmy at some point. (He’s the Steve Carell of Drama.)

2:52: Comedy legend Bob Newheart is out to present Best Comedy Series (makes sense) to “30 Rock.” The guy can still get off some good one-liners, but he’s going to cause this show to go over time singlehandedly.

2:54: In case you’re wondering, I wrote the sentence about “30 Rock” winning before it happened just now. Seriously. Tina Fey isn’t even bothering to act surprised anymore. (Neither am I.) Nice zing to The Jay Leno Show, by the way.

2:56: Why have Cat Deeley on the show, if you’re only going to use her two or three times? She announces that “True Blood” won the fan-voted “Best Breakthrough Performance” “Award” (How MTV Movie Awards of them!)

3:01: Sigourney Weaver comes out to hurriedly present Best Drama Series to “Mad Men.” I feel about this the way I feel about the “30 Rock” win – it’s a deserving victory, but oh so typical. Still, congrats to the excellent “Mad Men” cast and crew.

3:03: That’s our show. If you made it this far in the diary, then God bless you. Please excuse the inevitable typos. (It's late!) Go ahead and tell me what you thought of Neil Patrick Harris as host (pretty good, if a little underused) and, oh yeah, the winners.

Conflict of Interest: Witten/Johnson/Smith/Bowe edition

I’ve never been so conflicted.

This week, I have no fewer then four conflicts in my two fantasy football leagues! Actually, I had five, but I’ve decided to bench Lee Evans in favor of Earl Bennett. (For some ungodly reason, Jay Cutler loves to throw Bennett the ball – they were college teammates – while I don’t trust Lee Evans, and I believe Bills QB Trent Edwards will spend at least 60% of their game against the Bucs trying to placate Terrell Owens.)

Still, despite the fact that I’ve never had this many conflicting players – Jason Witten, Larry Johnson, Steve Smith and Dwayne Bowe – I’m actually not too conflicted at all. (I also like the fact that "Witten/Johnson/Smith/Bowe" sounds like a law firm.)

Though I hope I win my in my Yahoo Football Plus league, I HAVE to win in my regular Yahoo Football League because that’s where I’m playing my nemesis. Yes, I have an actual real-life nemesis, and he’s beaten me 3 out of the 4 times over the last two years. I hate this guy. He’s been my friend since high school, and the list of things I can’t stand about him is too long to list. (I don’t know why, but one of the things that REALLY gets on my nerves is the fact that he writes like a fourth grader. Ugh!) He’s the kind of guy who’s so annoying that you’re a little surprised no one’s killed him yet (or at least roughed him up). By the way, I kid, I kid. (Mostly.)

As a result, I need for my Yahoo team to win. My nemesis has Jason Witten and Larry Johnson on his team, and I own these guys in my Yahoo Plus league. I’m hoping these guys get mostly shut out. On the flip side, my opponent in the Yahoo Plus league has Steve Smith and Dwayne Bowe, but I need them to step their games up from last week if I want to crush my nemesis. So…

Dream statlines:

Witten: 5 catches, 45 yards, 0 TDs.
Johnson: 17 carries, 60 yards, 0 TDs.
Smith: 7 catches, 105 yards, 1 TD.
Bowe: 5 catches, 80 yards, 1 TD.

NFL 2009 Week 2 picks

Not a bad start.

After week one, my two fantasy teams are on pace to go 28-0 and I went 14-2 with my picks. (I hope you’ll pardon the obnoxious gloating, but I have to get it in because we all know these things don’t last.)

On a related subject, here are my picks for week 2 (with the team I think will win in bold).

CAROLINA @ ATLANTA
Not a good week for Jake Delhomme (I think we have a winner for Understatement of the Year). However, I don’t think he’s quite THAT bad, and I think he’ll bounce back. I’m actually trying to convince an owner in one of my leagues to give him to me in exchange for Kerry Collins, and he just might do it given that Delhomme put up -11 points and singlehandedly cost him a win – against me.

So I like him to bounce back. I just don’t like him to bounce back this week.

MINNESOTA @ DETROIT
You know how Detroit got torched by Drew Brees through the air last week. Well this week, they’re going to deal with the running equivalent of Brees in Adrian Peterson.

CINCINNATI @ GREEN BAY
Green Bay didn’t even look that great and managed to take care of business against the Bears. Meanwhile, I’ll give the Bengals credit just for showing up at this game after last week’s epically disastrous loss.

HOUSTON @ TENNESSEE
Tennessee looked good in defeat last week. Houston – not so much.

OAKLAND @ KANSAS CITY
For the first time in a while, Oakland is not the most depressing team in a matchup involving the Raiders. I liked their feistiness on Monday night, while the Chiefs remain as depressing as they’ve been recently.

NEW ENGLAND @ N.Y. JETS
I’m not falling for this. People seem a little too excited about how good the Jets looked last week, and a little too down because of how shaky the Pats looked. I like Mark Sanchez a lot, but I’m betting Bill Belichik will have a hellacious scheme to confuse the rookie. Also, by the end of the second half, 2007 Brady was kinda back, no?

NEW ORLEANS @ PHILADELPHIA
One of the best games of the week and if Donovan McNabb were playing, I’d probably go with the Eagles. However, it’ll be a matchup between Drew Brees and Kevin Kolb, so pardon me for going with Brees.

ST. LOUIS @ WASHINGTON
Remember before how I said the Chiefs were depressing. The Rams are at least twice as depressing.

ARIZONA @ JACKSONVILLE
Arizona looked particularly old and slow last week. And by “Arizona,” I mostly mean Kurt Warner. I don’t like them traveling across country and trying to beat the Jags, even with Jacksonville’s underwhelming “home field advantage.” (You’ve probably heard they’re having a little trouble selling out their stadium.)

TAMPA BAY @ BUFFALO
Heart over head, I know.

SEATTLE @ SAN FRANCISCO
I suggest you jump on the 49ers bandwagon now because after they beat Seattle this week, I’m afraid there will be no more room for you.

PITTSBURGH @ CHICAGO
Applying the Delhomme logic, there’s just no way Jay Cutler can be as bad as he was last week two games in a row, right? (Oh crap, Delhomme went from historically awful to even worse himself. Nevermind.)

BALTIMORE @ SAN DIEGO
So, apparently, Baltimore can play offense now. Uh oh.

CLEVELAND @ DENVER
Sure, Cleveland has been almost as inept as Cincinnati recently, but I don’t think Denver will need a miracle 87-yard play to beat them, do you?

N.Y. GIANTS @ DALLAS
The game of the week comes with the Cowboys opening up their shiny, new, preposterously-scoreboarded stadium. Owner Jerry Jones is hoping to set an attendance record: most heading home in disappointment after the fierce Giants defense whoops a too-happy-with-themselves-for-torching-the-pathetic-Bucs Cowboys team.

INDIANAPOLIS @ MIAMI
Zzzz. Yikes, did Miami look bad last week. That said, I don’t think Indy’s blowing anybody out on the road, so it’ll be close before Indy wins in the end.

Project Runway: News You Can Use

Yes, the designers have been assigned tasks in season 6 , but it wasn’t until last night that they got an honest-to-goodness, “Project Runway”-style (all caps) CHALLENGE.

Tim Gunn and the contestants bypassed Mood for the first time this season and instead took a field trip to (needle scratching on record sound) the L.A. Times?! Heidi had told the group that the answers to the week’s challenge would be in “black and white”, but who would’ve ever guessed that the designers would be asked to create a design using newspaper as fabric. (See people - newspapers are still around…for now.)

Fortunately, Tim gave them (and us) a quick and handy history of the use of paper as fabric (though I’m still having a hard time imagining paper footwear).

Nicolas, now firmly entrenched as the season’s bitchy contestant, did what he does best. He complained. He complained two weeks ago about working in a team, he complained last week about having the models as clients, and he complained this week about working with paper. By contrast, Ra’mon was excited about the challenge of working with paper and Althea, while a little nervous, was ultimately curious about taking on something new. This kind of positive attitude and artistic curiosity makes me feel like these two will be around for a while in this competition – it also makes me feel like Nicolas isn’t long for the “Project Runway” world.

Nicolas also had plenty to say about Johnny. Johnny was in the bottom two last week and had sworn not to return there at the start of the episode (uh oh: foreshadowing alert). Unfortunately, the vision for the dress included a bunch of origami’d birds (think Sleeping Beauty’s nightmare) carrying a red, crumply dress. Tim Gunn came in and remarked that “it looks like the papers attacked the dress” and that it was like a “craft project gone awry” leading Nicolas to laugh a little too loud and Johnny to ball up the dress and toss it in the trash.

Except that Johnny attempted to rewrite history. Apparently unaware that all the cameras pointed at him are on (or that the invisibility cloak he must’ve thought he was wearing was faulty), Johnny proceeded to make up a ridiculous story about how steam from an iron had ruined his original dress and was what had caused him to start over. The entire thing was more baffling than interesting. I mean, why did Johnny feel the need to lie about scrapping an original design just because Tim hated it? It’s happened before. Just last week Qristyl scrapped her original dress after Tim trashed it. (Then again, she went home so, um, maybe bad example.)

Most of the designers seemed annoyed and confused as to why Johnny would make up such a story (or do a crossword puzzle in the middle of a challenge), but Nicolas acted downright offended. He focused most of his vitriol on Johnny saying he was only on the show for comic relief (cue Johnny dorkily trying on a pink shirt and adjusting his pants – thanks editors). I might agree, except for the fact that Johnny isn’t all that funny.

Another burgeoning rivalry in the workroom is Irina vs. Althea. If you recall, last week Irina suggested that Althea staple her outfit together before Althea’s outfit went on to win the week’s challenge. This week, Irina wasn’t backing off her statements. I didn’t think Althea deserved the win either (I was a fan of Carol Hannah’s look), but Irina looks like she might be able to step up and be this season’s real bad guy for two reasons. 1.) She didn’t back off her hate for Althea’s previous outfit and her fellow designers seem to have a mild distaste for her (a few of them were bagging on her ruffled coat) and, 2.) She showed she has the goods last night to stay on the show for a while (unlike Nicolas), giving us the potential for a feud that’ll play itself out on the runway instead of the workroom, for a change.

The rest of the “action” in the workroom consisted of an edited together montage of Shirin acting like an “11 year old.” Whatever.

On the runway, Heidi was joined by Zoe Glassner, Tommy Hilfiger, and Eva Longoria Parker. (Where the hell are you Michael and Nina?)

Their three favorite looks came from Althea (my favorite, I loved how interesting it was to the eye), Christopher (I didn’t like the armored top at all, but he accomplished what he wanted to with the big bottom), and challenge winner Irina (the ruffles on the coat were brilliant, but the rest of it was kinda blah and could’ve used some color), whose design Longoria Parker (who proved to be an effective judge) LOVED. Overall, I was disappointed that so few of the designers stepped out of the “let’s make a dress box.” For that reason, I enjoyed Epperson's Kimono.

The bottom three consisted of Gordana (kind of a big surprise given how much Tim loved her concept, though admitting that it was a “conventional” design did her no favors), Nicolas (not punk-rock at all, very drab), and Johnny (Heidi insinuated Johnny’s dress made his model look like a prostitute…ouch).

It was pretty obvious Johnny would be going home, but Nicolas wanted to make sure he got run over by the proverbial bus before he left. Johnny recounted his lame steam story and said his original dress was “hardcore” “Dior” causing Nicolas to almost audibly roll his eyes and call Johnny’s dress a “red mess.” Johnny responded with a succinct, “throw me right under the bus – jerk.” Was Nicolas wrong in what he was saying? No. Was it wrong for him to do it in front of the judges and did it make him look petty? Yes.

As is always the case, he could learn a lot from Tim Gunn. Once Johnny got the boot, he warmly hugged him and sent him to the workroom to pack his stuff. Once Johnny was out of earshot, Tim said he was “incredulous at the utterly preposterous spewing of fiction on the runway” from Johnny. Wow – that’s like a tirade for Tim. Not only was Tim a lot more eloquent than Nicolas, but he waited until Johnny’s fate was already sealed and wasn’t out to embarrass him or make himself look better.

So what’d you think of this episode? Did Nicolas (or Tim) speak out of turn? Are you liking Althea as much as I am? Finally, if you run into Michael Kors and/or Nina Garcia, please tell them they’re wanted on the Lifetime channel on Thursday nights?

America's Next Top Recap: Super Smize Me

So basically last night’s episode of “America’s Next Top Model” was Tyra’s aggressive attempt to introduce “smize” into the pop culture lexicon. (And maybe, eventually, the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Of course, the concept of “smiling with your eyes” is nothing new to long-time “Top Model” fans (a group which I’m only MOSTLY ashamed to admit belonging to). I’ve always enjoyed Tyra’s impromptu lessons on “smiling with your eyes” (I am NOT helping Tyra and Co. make “smizing” a thing) because I always understood and saw what the Mistress of Crazy was talking about. As a result, I enjoyed tonight’s peek behind the curtain of what makes for a good eye-smile.

I wonder what doe-eyed Rachel’s eye-smile would’ve looked like.

We never got to find out because she was cut about 10 minutes into the episode following an impromptu meet-and-greet with noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker (though not noted by Lulu who couldn’t name a single fashion photographer) and Sean Patterson, head of the Wilhemina modeling agency. What the girls thought was the week’s challenge — impress Nigel and Sean in a mini job interview – turned into a cruel cut for the former Wal-Mart casher. The girl completely blanked out when the guys asked her to sing something the same way most people blank out when they’re asked to “say something funny.” (Or the way I used to blank out when people would find out that I’m Hispanic, and ask me to say something Spanish – eventually, I came up with a prepared answer.)

After recovering from the shock of Rachel’s elimination, the girls met up with a French-accented photographer who looked like Dustin Diamond (the way he looks now, not as Screech) who was SUCH a bad actor that it was obvious Tyra was going to be coming around the corner. Lo and behold, Enter the Crazy. She came in at first as a meek wannabe model before revealing herself to be Super Smize (pictured, right) and vanquishing the bad actor/fake photographer. I loved that even some of the usually-adoring girls couldn't hide the WTF look on their faces. As stupid as this was, I have to say I enjoyed Super Smize more than I did “My Super Ex-Girlfriend.”

What I enjoyed more was Tyra’s hands-on lesson to the girls. I think sometimes we forget that most of these girls have no idea what they’re doing in terms of being real models, so to watch Tyra teach them so effectively was kind of a treat. It actually gave Tyra a decent amount of credibility, despite the surprisingly low-rent superheroine costume she was wearing. Apparently, the trick to smiling with your eyes is putting your hand on your stomach and thinking of something you really want. And the list of things that inspire these girls includes sheet cake, noodles and pepperoni pizza.

Much less effective was the subsequent duels in the "Fortress of Fierceness" (ugh) to see who had the best smize while wearing outfits that covered everything but their eyes. Though this was unintentionally hilarious, the winners seemed like they were picked almost at random and the whole thing was stupid. Either way, the winning team got to have dinner (that nobody touched) with Patterson, while the losers had to do the dishes.

Speaking of dishes (SEGUE WAY), a dirty dish into a steaming dishwasher provided the only source of “drama” in the house this week. Bianca accidentally put a dirty plate in with a clean load (which we’ve all done), got called out for it and had a Bianca-fit. (I would’ve said “bitch-fit”, but I don’t like to curse.) Seriously, she’s awful.

The week’s photo shoot involved the models posing with topless (?!) with jockeys - short people, unite!

My favorite of the bunch was Brittany, who I thought was the CLEAR winner over Erin (the actual winner) and the rest of girls. I also kinda liked Lulu and didn’t mind at all that Rae’s was a little Madonna. The fact that Ashley’s best photo was a test shot that featured a (photoshopped) crew member in the background was pretty funny.

The pictures I didn’t care for were Jennifer (I wish she hadn’t told us about her ptosis – now all I see is that eye of hers), Courtney (just a lazy, photo shoot that she admitted to mailing in because she hated being forced to wear her walking boot) and Bianca (she’s simply the worst person – and not even a very good model to make up for it).

The bottom two was comprised of Bianca and Courtney, with Courtney getting the (walking) boot for her uninspired photograph. Bianca’s wasn’t as bad, but, with that angry mouth, it wasn’t exactly good either. Then again, we all know Tyra and Co. aren’t exactly against keeping people around to stir the pot in the house and, judging from next week’s previews, that’s precisely what Bianca is about to do.

Goodbye, Courtney. I'm not mad at you for getting eliminated - and making my Ridiculously Early Pick to Win It All fail spectacularly - because I don't think you deserved to go home. I actually yelled out, "No!" when Tyra revealed that Bianca was staying.

So what’d you think of this episode? What’s your preferred way of spelling “smize”? (I’ll admit the inexplicable “z” gives it a zing. I’ve also seen “smeyes”, but I think “smiyes” looks better and is simply most right – well, as “most right” as a made-up word can be.) I realize I’m no fashion maven, but was there any reason AT ALL for the women to be topless during the photo shoot? (At least we now know that Laura “just likes nudity” – alrighty then.) Could guest judge Lauren Conrad have been less of a factor? Finally, how long until Bianca stops making “good TV” and gets the hell out of our Wednesday nights forever?